Don’t dream it’s over
It’s one of those nights for me where I feel genuinely overwhelmed and not sure how much more I can take.
I’m not sure if this is a common thought, but I’ve found myself having thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore. It’s uncomfortable to admit, and there’s also a strange shame around it like if I did reach that point, I’d just become “that girl who couldn’t handle life.” I worry about how people would remember me, like every part of me would get reduced to being a troubled story instead of a person.
I’ve been verbally and physically abused by my dad since my early teens. It hasn’t just been directed at me, he’s also been abusive toward my mum. At one point, things escalated to the point where I had to physically get my mum and sister into my room and lock the door to keep them safe. He stayed outside the door for hours, banging, shouting, smoking, and breaking things.
After that, my mum still stayed in the marriage. I understand part of it comes from cultural pressure and shame around divorce, especially when family expectations are involved. Over time, the dynamic changed, she became the primary breadwinner, and he lost a lot of control in that sense. But instead of things improving, his focus shifted more heavily onto me. The verbal abuse feels like it’s intensified over time, not lessened.
There’s more I could say, but I’m honestly just exhausted. I feel like I need to get a job and get out of here as soon as I can.
Sometimes I think there’s a difference between people who self-harm for a kind of release or “high,” and people who feel completely worn down and like they’re just done. I’m curious what others think about that, but I also just feel tired.