am i in a dangerous relationship?
TW: Self Harm/Suicide Ideation
My boyfriend (23M) and I (24F) have been dating for over three years now. We are best friends and basically tied at the hip, got through University together as we were in the same program, and overall I truly felt this was the love of my life.
For some context, from the moment I met my boyfriend I could tell he had ADHD or autism and it was severely impacting his life. With time, I got him to get assessed (where he got diagnosed with ADHD) and placed on medication for it. Also he smokes a lot of weed and really doesn’t sleep well at all. I myself have had a flair in my panic disorder for the last couple of years which he was supportive and patient with. I admit I wasn’t the best partner at times, because of irritability and depression, but I worked very very hard to improve my mental health going to therapy weekly for two years, getting on the right medication, and working hard to regulate my nervous system.
Anyways, the first incident happened last November when I was having a panic attack downtown. I could tell he became very dysregulated and although I asked for space probably 100 times he wouldn’t leave. So eventually I said something along the lines of “leave me the f alone” and he said okay I’ll just run into traffic then and started to run between cars. I found a safe space to sit down and began texting him asking if he’s safe. He replied with “fuck you bitch I hate you” (so uncharacteristic) and after that it basically turned into 2 weeks of avoidance and withdrawl from him. In this first incident I truly believed my panic attack caused this so I did the best I could to repair and we did. Things were good for a while.
The second incident happened in January when I was going to have a very important grad interview the following morning. I was nervous and a bit grumpy so I basically texted frustrated that he forgot all about my interview, and that I wish he remembered and wished me luck. His response was “I’m about to smash my phone” which he did. Then asked if he should smash any other electronics. What followed was again fuck you bitch, etc etc. I was severely shaken by this but thankfully completed my interview ok. For context, this was like my peak panic disorder month so again all I wanted was to quickly repair, apologise, and move on. He told his therapist about the phone smashing and she gave him some techniques for anger.
Anyways, since then my panic disorder has greatly improved. I can function again, and am doing much better overall. Our relationship was also great and it seemed like everything was finally good again. 3 days ago, I noticed some minor changes in him, impulsive things like slamming doors because they were too heavy or stealing straws from a fast food restaurant because his points card wouldn’t load. Just things that are very out of character but still minor. 2 days ago I had another interview scheduled for grad school, and my boyfriend and I were staying home alone watching my pets as my parents are on vacation. When he woke up, I was incredibly nervous for my interview and admittedly in a grumpy mood, so I started a minor disagreement about my dog and chores. This was incredibly minor, to the point I was laying on the couch watching tv half listening. All of a sudden my boyfriend jumps up, says he’s going to stab himself and grabs a kitchen knife. He puts it in a way as if he was about to stab his stomach. At this point my fight flight freeze kicked in and unfortunately my fight took over and I grabbed him to get the knife away from him (looking back now probably not a good situation to be in) he pushes me away and acts like he is going to cut his throat and I said I’m going to call the police. He said if I do he will jump in front of a car and rips my phone out of my hands. I could see that he was filled with rage and his eyes were wild. Anyways, I’m alone so looking back now there’s a million things I would have done differently. When he calmed down, I convinced him to go to the hospital, we drive there but there’s no parking, he’s calm now, and I start worrying about my elderly pets alone at home, if his parents come, etc. So I take us back home and let him call a crisis line. He tells the caller some disturbing details, saying that it was only in that moment he was angry and wanted to do it but couldn’t, and he has had thoughts in another argument of grabbing a knife and cutting his neck to “show me”
Anyways I think I’m in a state of shock at this point and he leaves the house. When he comes back he goes to sleep in the basement. The next morning I come to my senses and ask him calmly to leave. At this point my friends and parents are aware of what happened and they are also urging me to get him out of the house. He says something like “you really think I wasn’t helping with the dog” and I said no of course you did I’m sorry and he said “then why’d you have to do that you stupid fucking bitch”. Again eyes glazed tone shifted. Again so incredibly uncharacteristic. My heart starts pounding and I tell him he needs to leave right now as my friends coming. He leaves.
After he leaves I lock all the doors and my friend comes who urges me to tell his parents what happened. I do. It’s now been two days and I have not heard from him again or his parents expect for minor updates (he’s home, he’s not eating, etc)
My question is, is this some kind of episode? Like psychotic break? This is so incredibly uncharacteristic of him and I mean it. I just don’t know what’s going on! I am so lost and alone on this. Especially because we are so close. But now I’m incredibly scared because I realize grabbing a knife is a major line crossed. I regret not going through with the hospital so he could get put on hold. I think probably a healthy boundary to have is that I can’t be in further contact until he gets psychological evaluation…