just need somewhere to drop my breakup text i dont have the strength to send yet
Hey babe, this may be a bomb.
I'm gonna be honest, I've deliberated on typing this out, thinking about it endlessly for the last couple of days. I don't think I can move forward with this anymore. I love you. It's not an empty sentence, but love doesn't equate endless tolerance. I've tried to get through to you so many times, asking for you to carve out some time for me. Space for intentional connection. Romance, intimacy, platonic and sexual. I feel like you keep reassuring me, but the reason it never "sticks" is that nothing changes. Nothing. That conversation turns pleasant, I walk away satisfied, it lasts a day or two and then I return to anxiousness. And I can't speak for you, but it feels to me like unwillingness and apathy. I can't force your hand. I don't want to either. If these things I'm asking for (compliments, calls, excitement, kindness, acts of appreciation generally) feel performative, then babe, you have your answer. Without putting words in your mouth, it's either you want to or you don't. I know I've put my heart and soul into this. I've tried being the best boyfriend I could be. My security feels shaken, in part, because of Grindr — not the thing in March, but generally the app existing on your phone despite the many mentions I had about it making me uncomfortable. I tried in every way to communicate that as healthily as I could, but you never prioritized my feelings. It took my suspicions and fears being confirmed for any action. And then secondly, because whatever happened in November, when we had our first ever fight, has stuck. It hasn't been undone. Only in person was it perfect again, but as soon as I returned it undid itself once more. I fill that silence with fear, worst-case scenarios, etc.
I've really tried my best to show up as a man I'm proud to be, and while my insecurities have gotten the better of me a few times since then, I know I have been a good partner. I love you, Jamie, but I need to move along my own path at this moment. I wanted nothing more than this to work, but right now it's become increasingly unhealthy for me to remain in. I can't wake up anxious every day. I can't hope that tomorrow will be the day you're excited to chat with me. That tomorrow will be the day you call me handsome, or send a cute selfie unprompted, or say you just miss me. That you miss my smile, or voice, or face, or just any part of me. Instead of hearing "you don't smell like anything" when asked if you miss my smell, "you're needy", "wow looking rough today". I can't communicate it any other way I know how, and all I have left is to walk away and prioritize my own happiness.
Maybe this was the difference in life stages I was talking about. Maybe it's something else entirely. And maybe one day we can find each other again, when the timing is better, and maybe then we'll be ready to give each other the version of ourselves we need.
I want nothing else but to ask you to fight for this, but I don't know how it would differ from any other times I've asked with less conviction.
I really do love you. And I'm going to miss you so much. And I'm sorry this didn't go to plan, but I leave at peace knowing I tried my best. I hope you can say the same. I hope our paths cross again someday, but in the event they dont I need you to know ive treasured this more than anything else in my life. Thank you for everything.