I am done
My wife cheated on me last October.
I honestly believed she would stop, go to counseling, and work on our marriage. Instead, she continued seeing the other man, Chris. He's married too, and as far as I know, they're still together.
My daughter is angry about all of it. Sometimes she calls her mother horrible names like whore, slut, bitch.. I wish she wouldn't. Despite everything that's happened to me, her mother is not a horrible person. She was a horrible wife, but she is still her mother.
Since all of this happened, I've discovered that I have an anxious attachment style. I loved my wife dearly. We were together for 16 years. We have a daughter together and raised three other children together.
I'm a nurse. I've spent most of my adult life taking care of other people. ICU, ER, and now psychiatric nursing.
When my wife left, she took our 13-year-old daughter with her. My daughter and I have always been very close. She is an amazing kid. I've only seen her once in the last three months. There is no court order keeping her from me. No judge has said I can't see my daughter. It's just the situation I'm in right now.
I'm trying to save money for an attorney so I can get a custody schedule in place and move forward with a divorce. The retainer is $4,600. Even working overtime as a state nurse, it's difficult.
Lately, my daughter has started pulling back too. Honestly, that hurts almost more than the affair.
I've been in therapy. I've spent years working through childhood abuse, rejection, and other trauma. I thought I had dealt with most of it. This situation has reopened wounds I thought had healed and made them feel fresh again.
I am tired.
Not angry. Not looking for pity. Just tired.
I live alone now, except for my two dogs and two cats. They're good animals.
I don't usually post things like this. In fact i have never posted here. Maybe that's why I'm writing it here. It's easier to tell a page full of strangers than the people who know me.
I don't know what comes next. Right now, I'm just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I think i am done though. The physical pain that I live with daily. The emotional pain. The hurt. The sadness. The lonliness. The lack of hope. I am done walking. I am just done I think. It is easier to say good bye to strangers than those that would try and talk me of it but dont honestly care. I know that this seems selfish, but that is what I have been taught. Besides it will at least be my LAST selfish act.
I hope life is treating the rest of you better than it has been treating me lately. I am sure that most of you deserve it.