u/Firm_Exam_244

Hi guys this is my first Reddit post idk what to say but this is my attempt to stop using AI as therapy and instead get real help (which I know I probably wont find on Reddit but whatever). Basically I am having a little bit of a crisis rn. I was at an award ceremony and there’s always a tinge of sadness at any ceremony of mine because I never have family there, and my friends are busy with their families to chill with me. This all made me realize truly, I’m not anybody’s “person” per se. If I was gone nobody would notice because I have no bestfriends, no cousins/ distant family, and I’m 1 of 6 children of an immigrant household (girl and the middle child btw) so quite frankly I am truly isolated. I am relatively an extrovert but tbh only because I’m loud because I don’t want to be forgotten. I feel so separated from the world. Like people know my name and my face but they don’t really see me as anything other than a jester that occasionally shows up and makes a stupid jokes and disappears. I question often if something happened, would anyone even care? Tbh I don’t even like myself that much. People always tell me “choose happiness” and tbh I do, I try always to be positive and to only speak good out into th world but it feels like I’m deluding myself and it’s not working. I’ve struggled with depression since I was around 9 years old, and I’m 18 now. I’m young I know, but I question what is the point of all this? I feel like most of life is suffering, and tbh I will most likely just graduate, go to college, get a 9-5 with a husband I tolerate and kids who call me a bitch tot heir friends, and I’ll retire and do a vacation to Hawaii once and die. I know I don know everything, but realistically, why is life this way?