When do you know it is over
My partner M/31 and I F/30 have been together for 14 years. Our relationship has gone through many up and downs but somehow we always manage to rebuild and continue. I was feeling that he is my safe place, that I can talk and share everything with him, but this changed recently.
All started 3 years ago. We were having some financial problems - we were trying to save for a house because our rent was constantly increasing. I was encouraging him to get a new job or apply for supervisor positions in his current place. But he was hesitant (he doesn’t believe much in his skills and always doubts that he can do better). This led to some strain at home as at the time I have also started a new job and was exhausted from trying to be at 110% at the new place as well as encouraging him. The result was that he started texting a female colleague behind my back and was arranging to go out on a date with her when I noticed the change in his behaviour and confronted him. He said that he is sorry, that she was making him feel good when things at home weren‘t going well, but he had nothing for her and he would not continue to have any contact with her ( they were working in different departments and the overlap at work were minimal).
And things indeed worked ok for a while. Fastforward to 1year ago - we got a house and I was 7 months pregnant when in a conversation between us he dropped the bomb that this colleague now has moved in his department and they were discussing that he expects a child and she was giving him some tips( she is a single mom). I don’t know whether it was the hormones or something else, but this made me super angry. When I asked why he was chatting with her for things outside working matters referring to his promise not to talk to her, his reaction was that whatever happened between them was 2 years ago and it is not fair to bring things from the past. And this was enough for me to put me on edge. I remembered that we have shared our locations for emergency, but I started looking at it every now and then when he was late ( not really proud of that). And found out that one day he spend 1h on a parking lot next to a residential building - when I asked him directly, he lied that he was dropping a friend off and he didn‘t actually stay 1h but there was some problem with the internet connection and somehow his location was not updating (I don’t have a proof that this is a lie, but I can feel it based on his reaction). He went to that same location a few more times over the next couple of weeks and I also discovered few phone calls to that girl number( he insistent that he hadn’t spoke with her even though the duration of the calls were 10mins+) as well as messages where she has texted him that she loves him (but the history before that was deleted).
After this things were horrible. We had days where we did nothing else but have arguments. I was constantly crying, barely managed to eat something and the last months of my pregnancy were disastrous to me and my mental health. But I wanted to give him a chance to welcome our child together as a family.
I am 7 months postpartum, and not sure anymore that this is the right decision. I still love him and I am grateful that he was part of my life, but that love feels painful and every time when I look at him, I am feeling betrayed and misunderstood. I don‘t want to share or speak with him anymore because I fear that he would feel attacked and pressured at home and would look for validation somewhere else. I know that he is constantly checking his female colleagues social media profiles which makes me feel really insecure.I am overwhelmed and tired from being a mom 24/7 as we don’t have family or friends living near us that can help with the baby and again don’t want to bring it up to him. He takes the baby for 30-40mins a day so that I can shower and do some chores. Every day when he leaves for work, I just sit on the floor and cry because I am feeling lost, not loved, exhausted, broken inside and I don’t know how to continue and have no one to speak about it. I am realising that the hormones after pregnancy are still messed up which might be one of the reasons why I am feeling so intense negative emotions. My question is for everyone who ended a long relationship - how did you know this is the end? What were the signs that showed you that you should move forward and there is nothing else to salvage?