bear with me.
we had been a couple for really little time. not even four months i believe, but she was mine, and i loved her. i am someone who gets anxiously attached to the ones i love, and she required space; i fucked that up because i couldn't stop thinking, because i had an issue of getting closer to others before her, because i have too much of an ego and i'm too narcissistic. i want to fix that. i need to fix myself so all of this pain is worth something.
i hate that she's the smartest person i've met, but i don't hate her. she did the best thing she could for herself but, that does not stop me from missing her.
i am finally going one full day without trying to contact her, without ruminating about what she is doing or not and without hurting myself with thoughts that drown me. and it still hurts. my chest hurts, my head hurts even without thinking. part of me still wants her back, part of me dreams about her realizing that we can fix the situation—but we can't. not together at least. i need to work on myself, and i am committing to that.
i needed to vent. sorry for that.
it was a few weeks ago, and i'm pretty sure she has moved on already, but i'm stuck in that moment no matter how hard i try and believe me, i am giving it my all; but it doesn't seem to be useful. it's not working. it pains me. the fact that i need to avoid anything that reminds me of someone i loved pains me.