Exhausted from Husband’s Addiction
Asalamalakum
I’m relatively young, have 2 kids under 2, and I’ve been married for a few years. I found out about my husband’s p*rn addiction 2 years into the marriage by accident and it’s been the hardest test in my life. He’s been addicted from a young age.
He showed a different version of himself prior to marriage. I found out shortly after getting married that he had an avoidant attachment and shut down at every encounter of any tension. Every single point of contention became a few days argument and his silence would kill me. I usually came to him regardless of who was wrong and he’d eventually talk to me once I broke down. We’ve had improvement since then but still struggling with the same core problems. Anyways, we did a bit of couple’s therapy and he did individual therapy (all before I found out) due to his avoidant attachment and obvious depression. I made all the appointments.
In the beginning of the marriage, I was taken aback by his lack of intimate interest in me but I was very naive and honestly never thought anything this big was being hidden. After all I asked him if he lowers his gaze before marriage and I married him for his apparent love of Islam. I am a fully modest woman that left the haram searching for the halal and I asked the “right questions” looking for a spouse ”the right way“. It was relatively rushed though and we naively trusted him.
He didn’t disclose anything to anyone until I found out myself. When I found out, he broke down and promised to dedicate himself to an agreed path of recovery. This time it would be different because I was by his side supporting him. Then boundaries we talked about started to feel “de-masculinating” and therapy was “expensive” and he had “nothing to talk about“ even when we had a great Muslim therapist. Essentially, a year later and really nothing has changed. He makes all the excuses to avoid a path of healing and his depression has gotten worse. He lives on his phone. He’s a great dad (he works from home so they see him a lot) and he financially provides for us but I can’t seem to find a way to stay married to a liar. I am no perfect person and I have a family that’s not easy to deal with but I show up as a wife.
I prioritize my childrens’ wellbeing, I cook and clean, and I go out of my way to offer myself even when it feels so hurtful to be the one offering and get rejected. I come to him when I’m in the right. I rarely raise my voice (except when crying) when arguing and I do not use foul language. I ask that Allah reward me for my patience. I no doubt have my flaws but I fear Allah in private and I will not lie to him nor break his trust.
I tried ignoring it, giving him positive affirmations, and offering support from afar rather than being direct for a couple of months after I hit rock bottom again but it didn’t help. If anything, his depression has gotten worse and his moods change throughout the day. He doesn’t like leaving the house and he lives on his phone (youtube or video game). It feels like he’s surviving waiting for the days to pass by so he can die. It’s so much harder because he’s always home. I feel like a parent trying to catch my depressed teenage son in the act of watching filth. I’m so tired of it.
For parents who decided to divorce with such young kids, how does one successfully co-parent?
I would like to move back closer to my parents with him and transition into separate living arrangements and divorce. I have to prioritize my children and not my emotions as my children are too young for me to work and “just returning” to my parent’s home isn’t the most stable option for them. My parents have struggled with their relationship for years and fights escalate in a very unhealthy way. I have close ties with everyone in my family but my mom and I have very different parenting and relationship styles and she insists on being in charge in the household.
I’d appreciate advice from married sisters and brothers.