My sad realization
Hi, I’m 25F and have bipolar 2. My bipolar is heavier on the depressive side, so I deal more with the darkness than with the mania.
I’m mostly just writing this to tell someone, because it kinda hurts staying inside, but I’ve come to the realization that I’m most likely going to die of suicide.
This isn’t a cry for help, I’m not gonna do it anytime soon, but I think about dying at least once a day. Either by accident or by my own hand, I fantasize constantly. And I dont want to kill myself, but god do I want to die.
A couple years ago my cat was enough to keep me around, and then my dad, and now my partner. But what happens when he’s no longer enough anymore? What could possibly be more “enough” than the person I love the most in the world?
Bipolar is supposed to get worse with time. I’m already in a pit 4 years after the onset of symptoms. How in the world could I possibly expect myself to live for 60 more years?
Genuinely more than anything I just want to not be here to live through this. It’s so hard.