I fell like I don't fit in any condition to be loved
I don't look cute. Not even fit in the society's standard. My personality is something I'm always changing to fit in with the others. I never express how I feel to anyone. Not even my family
My relationship with my family is quite weird. I feel that way after I start noticing how close my friends are to their families
I don't swear. don't even talk too much with my parents. Our conversation never lasts longer than 5 minutes. Whatever they say. My most answers would be yes
I know they love me. They love me so much that I feel bad for thinking I don't deserve it.
I feel like they only think they have to love me because that's how 'family' should be. Because the moral. They'd never love me as a person. As who I really am. Aside from them, I don't know why anyone else would love me.
I always act like a stone around them. No smiling. No laughing. The act started when i was 13. My mom said she was scared of me. She didn't say it to me. I heard it when she was on the phone with my grandpa.
Yet she still fulfills her responsibility as a mother. A loving one.
My dad is a funny guy. Understanding. We bave a lot of things in common. We likes art. Even likes the same food. Our faces are also familiar.
They are always the funny and friendly people when they're with everyone else. But when they got home they changed. They often talk bad about people which is fine for me. That's kinda funny to hear. They're not fake. They just know how to act around people.
There are a lot of things they slipped out when they're mad. Which is often. That makes me think that maybe that's how they think of me.
Every time they started to get mad. I just go silent. And listen to all the curse words. The insults
I noticed every bit of their emotional. When they're mad or feeling bad, sad or happy
Sometimes they're not the best. But I love them.
My sister is quite the opposite of me she's the one I'm closest with. She's like my safe place. Always protecting me. She moved out for work when I was 11. We talked so often at first. Then time passed. We never talked again until now yet she bought cake for my birthday every year even though she can't show up.
I'm the first in my family to get to study in university. My family isn't wealthy. Quite lower-middle actually. At first they wanted me to study law. Then politics. But in the end. They just let me choose whatever I wanted. And that's the problem. I don't have a dream. I feel like my family is scratching out their skin for nothing. For someone like me. I don't even know if I can make them live the good life I promised them when I was younger.
Summary: feel like I don't deserve love
What to do with this feeling