M32 - flashbacks to sexual assault and horrible internet content ruining my life
I’m a man who experienced SA and was exposed to horrible content online when I was 11 years old and it all came back to me at 32 and is ruining my life
I’ve never felt so horrible and depressed in my entire life. When I was 11 I experienced SA with a boy a few years older than me. I didn’t really know it was wrong at the time but I performed all sorts of sexual acts in secret. Eventually it ended and I mostly forgot about it. During that time this boy also showed me internet pornography including horrible content that I now know to be unacceptable but at the time I thought was normal.
I ended up following his lead even after he moved away and saw that content again more times in my life. I don’t know when but eventually it occurred to be how wrong it was and I didn’t look at it again.
But I have flashbacks to the content I saw and intense fear that it will come back to me somehow or that I’ll be labeled something that I’m not. I spoke to a therapist two years ago who triggered this fear by saying “never ever look at that or they will come for you.” I have this intense fear that some day someone will come looking for me and ruin my life.
I’ve confessed this to multiple people who say I didn’t hurt anyone and didn’t know any better. I know who I am and know that I would never hurt anyone. I’m in therapy for OCD and the diagnosis is that I’m obsessing over this event and need to learn to live with the uncertainty.
I had a good few months on lexapro but it seems to have stopped working and now I’m back into the throws of deep anxiety and depression.
Please help me.