34M Dating an Avoidant 33F for 5 Months Struggling with Communication
34y/o male dealing with a 33y/o Female avoidant partner. Been dating for 5 months.
I've been seeing this girl since January, a lot has come up that postponed being able to see each other as much as we'd like. She got hurt and had to take time to recover, had to deal with family matters, at one point she ghosted me because she thought she couldn't show up in the way she should for me, and she also has a home with her ex (where she lives, but she didn't set a boundary and he uses their garage and drops by unannounced to get things but doesn't go in the actual home) and she feels uncomfortable with me being there because she thinks it's disrespectful. So we've only hung out maybe 6 times total because of all of this.
She really struggles to open up with emotions however she has been working on it and time and time again she tells me how I'm too good to be true, how I make her feel like she can be softer and she's never felt that before. She's said that she's never been with someone who truly wants her to feel safe and able to express her emotions. She's said multiple times that she's teared up thinking about how I treat her. Our political beliefs 100% align, our conversations (back before getting into serious talks) were always so easy and fun and we could literally talk for hours with no dull points. We're so good at laughing together and our intimacy is very very good. We both have feelings that have developed way faster than we anticipated.
The issue is that she's an avoidant, and when I bring up concerns with her she feels like I'm attacking her, and that she'll never be good enough or meet my expectations and then she ultimately goes to "I don't think this is going to work". Then I have to talk her off the ledge and bring her back. I try and make it clear over and over when we talk that I just want reassurance and to know that she wants this enough to talk through anything we need to. I tell her that I don't need her to be perfect (no one is perfect), I just need her to want to try and not run at the first instance of discomfort.
I'm really summarizing this but what I'm getting at is I've never dated an avoidant and I'm trying to figure out how we can be successful. As I've mentioned, as individuals together we match so well, our communication and conflict resolution is where the problem lies. Not to mention, my needs usually get swept under the rug because the focus is usually on making her feel comfortable.
This is the situation I'm in. The outcome I'm after is building healthy communication and a strong relationship where we both have our needs met. What should I do/How do I achieve this outcome?
EDIT: I forgot to add that she recently reached out (3 weeks ago) and said she knows she isn't showing up as her best self and has taken a step back with the purpose of figuring her life out with the goal of coming back in a healthier way for us. She's made it clear over and over that this isn't about wanting anyone else and that she does want to come back. She's really hammered that point. She wants to still talk from time to time but I told her I'd find that difficult and to protect myself I think it's best if we don't. Yet she creeps back in from time to time and we still chat.
We talked yesterday and essentially the same pattern happened. I mentioned something small, she felt like she'd never be good enough and then she said we might have to accept that we'll never work out romantically. I again talked her off the edge, she got emotional and opened up, and cried on the phone with me (which is very hard for her to do). She came back around though as she usually does, and even said "The amount of times I've wondered what we'd be if I would have met you before my marriage or a year from now..." and then in her avoidant way added "but in the same thought, would I still not have amounted to what you wanted me to be?".
Then she came back around and said "Can you maybe just tell me that I'm not the worst girl you've ever dated?...Because I'm really sad about how much I've let you down. It wasn't my intention. I fell really hard for you and I truly did want to make you happy". She was crying through this part. She added she thinks she can be great and even better with time.
TL;DR: Dating an avoidant who's a great match personality wise, but communication styles are hurting us and threatening the relationship. I want us to have a healthy relationship where our needs are met, how can I achieve this?