idk how to move forward
Hi, i originally posted this in a rape subreddit however i felt like my situation wasn’t as serious or devastating as some of the posts in there. it felt insensitive to put this in that community. i was writing this post to have some clarity or different perspectives on the situation to see things i can’t.
I (20F) have this coworker (37M ill call him GUY) who i’ve known since i was 17 at our job. as soon as he started he was super nice and charming and everyone was drawn to him and he’s been a stable at our store ever since. Our relationship was friendly and appropriate.
fast forward to December 2024, i just turned 18 and i tried to kill my self and ended up in the mental hospital. i took at least a month off of work to just recuperate and figure things out. when i returned GUY seemed very worried because my then boss told a few people i was in the hospital with no other details. anyways he gave me his number and we started regularly texting. i had a boyfriend at this time and he didn’t like how i was texting my male coworker so i eased up on it but i didn’t understand why he was so weirded out or maybe jealous by it? i mean this guy is slightly younger than our parents why would anything gross be going on.
anyway nothing uncomfortable happened until i was 19. i had broken up with my then boyfriend and me and GUY started to hangout. we would go shopping he’d buy me food, vapes, carts, drinks. he was very generous i didn’t really have to ask for that stuff. he would bring me to work and hangout and help me open up the store. i was a little weirded out because he had told me how he had feelings for me but i didn’t want to hurt his feelings and completely close off our friendship. i did however make it clear that i didn’t want any type of crush or romantic relationship between us. he would compliment me all the time and we talked and talked. every time i wanted to pull away a little he would bring it up in a long drawn out text message. i honestly felt so exhausted trying to tip-toe around his feelings. i couldn’t talk about any other guys or my ex that i had just broken up with. and i couldn’t not answer his texts or he would bring it up and tell me that im pulling away. so one day i just ghosted him.
fast forward a few months im now twenty. i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. (im not saying this to excuse the next thing im about to tell you, i bring it up as the possible reason.) i reached out to him. on some freaky shit. idk why man. i had just ended things with my fine shyt cuz he didn’t want a relationship and i did and i don’t got time to be ur hookup hoe. anyways he responded and agreed and so one day he picked me up. we went to his house and we kissed. i didn’t enjoy it that much it felt wrong but i fully consented. then a few days later, i was having a bad night and i asked if he wanted to drive around. well we drive and he suddenly parks in a lot and starts kissing me. i wasn’t really kissing back. then we left and he took me to his place. i did not want to have sex with him at all anymore. my impulse decision has faded away and i do not want to be at this man’s house right now. well he kisses me again and like grabs a condom and stuff. and i don’t remember it all. i have pictures coming in and out of my brain and i cringe whenever i see it. this might be a little graphic. he got completely naked. tried to get me but i would only take my pants off. i wanted to leave so bad but he was on top of me. i couldn’t look at his face or his body i think my eyes were closed. i felt frozen. he was touching me and i was making noise but i didn’t like it he told me to touch him so i did. i was curled up and tense i just couldn’t relax and enjoy it. like it was my idea in the first place. but i didn’t want it anymore. and i think he knew that. he asked if i was ready and wanted it. “yea” that’s where i fucked up. why the fuck didn’t i say no. maybe if i said no he would have just stopped and taken me home. but idk ill never know because i didnt say no.
i know that i was at fault in this situation but he still works with me and i cant stand to think or be around him. my boss knows im uncomfortable but i cant really tell him why. what would i tell him. i wasnt raped really? or was i raped? i’m very confused and i know that didn’t want to have sex with him and i know that he knew that as well. but at the end of the day i said yea.
this was a long post but this is a situation that has been eating away at me and giving me tons of stress and anxiety. thank you for staying to read my post and please if anyone has any advice on how to move forward or what i should do with this situation? or what was this called if not rape? or do i just regret it. idk im a very confused individual right now THANK YOU!