u/Fit-Bonus4690

a part of me longs for connection, but im heavily medicated and high all the time. even when im with friends im not really 100 percent there and authentic, and tbh a part of me sometimes wants me to go home, so i can isolate myself to deal with the pain. so im very careful with what i plan, because often it is just going to suck and then i end up just wishing i stayed home. very confusing and frustrating experience i guess some can relate.

just went total crashout on my dad and shouted like i need an exorcist, called him a loser and a son of a bitch and said the most insulting things that i could think of, because he made a passive aggressive (i perceived it that way and am 90% sure) remark about me forgetting about mothers day, while my mum was in the room.

Then he went back in my room and wanted to beat the shit out of me, but i threatened him and rushed infront of him to fight, which made him back up. For the record i live with daily unrelentless chronic pain in my face which is very devastating and i slowly built up resentment for my parents, that they forced me in this existence, also because i have high functioning autism, which is mostly not noticable and my looks compensate a bit for it, but years of reading blackpill content really wore me down and broke my confidence until nothing but hatred and nihilism was left.

I feel like a worthless piece of shit that also deserves execution and torture for becoming this rotten and evil. It's all very unfair, because my parents do everything for me and love me. But i feel so worthless and pathetic because of the chronic pain, which is the cause i cant achieve anything in life right now, which causes me to live in a permanent state of collaps and maybe i project a part of my insane self hatred on them. Everyday is like a walk of shame, everytime i see my parents i must think about how much of a disappointment i am to them, which is dumb because the chronic pain and resulting depression arent my fault, but i cant help how i feel, and people dont care about your struggles, only about the visible success.

I got skinny fat, my social skills faded and everytime i work on something i get a pain flare up that lasts 1-2 days and knocks me out. The urge to kill myself becomes stronger everyday ngl.

It all feels like a kafka novel and im really tired of all this shit. My life contained of abuse, toxic people and negative reinforcement. I feel disconnected from humanity, hateful and lost.

I think i am a lost cause and maybe happiness is just not for me, just endless suffering and humiliation. In my mind everything is determined and im forced to repeat my (self) destructive behaviour until im dead. I think i can never talk to about my real problems and what really is in my head, because the shame is too much to handle. I would rather get kidnapped and tortured by the cartel, than feel this shame. It all really takes a very dark direction and its only getting worse for me and everyone thats related to me. I cant see a solution for my inability to regulate my self worth because of the chronic pain, it all comes down to this. Anyone here that got chronic pain too? How do you manage? Excuse my english, im no native speaker and i dont want to farm attention, just needed to vent a bit