20m in first ever relationship need help
I'm 20 years old and I just dont know how to.deal with this im my gf first ever boyfriend and even then I still feel retroactive jealousy where I just want to be alone forever. One little thibg sets me off then I feel alot of shame when I just go quiet and don't wanna talk to her and I get this rage when she doesn't respond to me in time. I get really weird messed up fantasy about her betraying me. For a month in our relationship I was so paranoid about her I would bring it up everyday and it would be a big convo. It feels like I just want to tear myself apart and suffer forever then I come to my senses. It feels very disorienting I don't know which version of me is in the right. I've never had close bonds with anyone. Not a friend family or anyone I've always kept them away from me. I really don't know what to do. Any advice will he appreciated.