Maybe I'm overcomplicating it,
But how much time do you give yourself before you shower to reset all your cream/body applications?
Like what does your skin have to feel like with cream to know you're able to shower now?
Obviously, conditioned to be a people pleaser. I thought, being hated on or disliked meant I needed to change myself, that something was wrong with me.
The reality is, not everyone makes it in life. People have their limitations, insecurities, shortcomings. People suck, they cant deal with their own lives or themselves, they're stuck on their same issues for decades.
If you unintentionally reflect back their shortcomings or insecurities by moving on in life or being successful, it reminds them of where they came up short.
And toxicity is a sign that there's an avenue in life that they cant deal with, and it's fucking them.
TLDR: Most people suck on a meaningful level, and once you realize that you realize how much of it is bullshit you don't need to absorb.
TLDR #2: Dont be a people pleaser
I know that might not reach you the way I intended due to disassociation/trauma/freeze mode/defense mode. Or you might take it as shallow because how can someone on the internet who doesn't even know you love you? Etc.
The reason why I say I love you guys is because we're all related by assimilation. We share the same reality on different levels, were kinda on similar programming/conditioning so we really understand each other.
All these posts on here, in a way are advocating and supporting for all our realities simultaneously. And for that, you guys have a special place in my heart even if I go onto heal and enter a different reality that isn't consumed by CPTSD.
I'll always have love for the people who know what it's really like, the struggles, adversity, dark days, the unfairness of it all. The years spent disassociated, anguish, depression, etc.
You guys are truly some real ones, facing the abyss of life, looking at it straight in the eye. Alot of people don't know what real struggle is, to be in a place of helplessness not being able to see the light.
I rock with all y'all journeys! I'm rooting for you guys in the back of my mind wherever I go in life. You guys are genuinely my real family just hearing your guys stories and struggles.
I think the reason why J Cole said "there's beauty in the struggle, ugliness in the success" is because there's certain realities you learn life lessons in that you can't fake, you had to be there to learn it.
And wherever we go, we unintentionally showcase where we've been and the lessons we've learned along the way.
I know in life, multiple things can be true simultaneously. But to be functioning in society, you are in relation with everyone whether you like it or not. Relationships are a part of life. People are used as reference points all the time.
I'm not saying that your healing/progress isn't great, but man healing really reminds me that my starting point was the lowest point on earth, or at least it felt like it.
Like I've climbed multiple mountains (figuratively) to get to a point that I'm realizing is someone's background baseline... Oh that's brutal haha
Like in my world, I'm reaching new peaks and in discovery mode. And translating that into someone else's world, it's just a baseline of being LOL
I'm learning how self-love, boundaries, living my own life. And that's just a thing established in others LOL
It's almost unintentionally comedic how inhibited CPTSD made us developmentally.
***Disclaimer: I'm not saying others invalidate our own pace of growth, it's just... We live in a society and all of us are in relation to others positioning and development in life. And growth and trauma really lets you know where you are in that mix, in a brutally honest way. In the context of substance, were exactly where we need to be (unfairly), in the context of being in relation to others our age the contrast isn't quiet.
The value in therapy is valuing the space of being seen and co-regulated by your therapist.
Not being saved
Not having them do the work for you
But in order to value that, you have to be present in the session with your feelings and have them see, hold, understand them.
I'm not saying you shouldn't go to therapy if you have CPTSD, it's just you'll feel like you won't get the most out of it. Which you won't.
Think about it, if you're at ROCK BOTTOM, TRAUMATIZED, FROZEN, FIGHT OR FLIGHT MODE. WTH is talking to a therapist and them holding space for you going to do? At best make you more conscious but hasn't changed your physiological health at all.
I think therapy is helpful, but not everyone is in a state that is optimal to experience therapy as helpful.
Ironically, people go to therapy because they're in a bad position in life but it's ironic because if you're in too bad a position in life it won't be as helpful.
Bills? Divorce? Career? Yes
Kid doesn't like the way their parents treat them? Ehhh who cares