u/Fit_Milf_CLE

It's been 7 months since I filed for divorce, albeit hesitantly because at that time I still loved him, or at least the parts that were still showing up as faint glimmers.

I was praying for a hail mary with the filing- that he would realize his erroneous ways and REALLY start trying in therapy and start prioritizing us, our children. Wishful thinking ....

Little did I know, 3 days after filing , evidence of privacy intrusion crimes, purportedly committed by him, were uncovered.

The divorce court has really pushed this through on a fast track , likely because of a pending criminal investigation with probable charges.

I've got a reasonable settlement, and I can walk away knowing it's the best plan to move forward.

Tomorrow, we will sign the paperwork, and with the flourish of the Magistrates pen, I will no longer be a wife, a partner. I will be a divorcee, a full time single mom. He gets 2 monitored visits a month.

He meant so much to me. To our family.

And, the worst part is accepting the closure I envisioned near the beginning, hasn't occurred ,nor will likely ever occur.

I'm not sure what that even looks like. Not an apology. Maybe an acknowledgement of the cruelty and havoc he wreaked for multiple years.

He was a man of many words, and few actions- aka future faking.

Maybe his current actions speak louder than words- this time. He didn't fight a thing. He left with the clothes he had on his back and save a few premarital items , agreed to everything. He's in the wind, so to speak. I imagined I would feel slightly victorious for *winning*. Instead I feel defeated. Every bone in my body aches. I want to be left alone tonight. I've shut everyone out this evening. I want to continue to cry, scream, claw the walls, and collapse in a heap.

The compounded trauma has overshadowed this experience, along with loss and grief.

I have so many questions - is he grieving me? Us? Does he feel the weight of his actions? Does he even care? Is he telling the truth in his counseling program, or just saving face to look good in Court? Why should I care what this miserable f*** is thinking, feeling, doing, being...

That's the denial creeping in, I'm sure. This is over.

Why is letting go the hardest part?

And- how on earth do I break the news of the divorce to our child? She's school aged and just started adjusting to him being largely on the periphery. Yes I have access to compassionate mental health counselors. But still.

I still can't believe this is happening.

I have to accept reality and continue to forge ahead.

I feel so scared.

Today was a heck of a morning at the pool.

It's the first session for new lessons- and the Stage Ones children entered the water, waiting for the lessons to start. One little guy, who must have been three or four drifted away from the wall and apparently started to panic as he got near the area where it went from 3-3.5 feet. He managed to float behind two swim instructors without noticing he was there, and in a shared zone between me and the low guard. He was panicking and bobbing. Luckily, the mom called his name, getting my and the instructors attention. Left me on pins and needles. All this with the swimming aquatics coordinator, and pool site director on deck!

Then, multiple occurrences of me having to break my zone and repeatedly to tell the same youngsters of no horseplay is the rule- then the kids proceeded to hide out of view behind the play structure to continue roughhousing. I know the parents saw me the first time telling them to stop, as she walked over towards them ,but she went back to watching her youngest child's swim lesson in the deep end.

When I called her back to let her know the kids aren't following the rules and I've had to repeatedly break my zone- which is a safety concern.And that she'll probably have to get in the water with them if this continues - she became offended and said that she's watching her child in lessons and her other kids have lessons shortly. I said that's great but there's still no horse playing.

My gripe is allowing some of the features to remain open while there are swimming lessons- and they even integrated special autism swimming lessons during open swim, which made it even more confusing and caused a parent to become upset when I told his child to come back to the other side. The parent said" calm down , he's autistic"( not in the lessons). I told him don't tell me to calm down and said I don't know every swimmer's capabilities. He said I'm the dad. I said I'm the lifeguard. (And probably 5 years older than this guy- didn't say that, but just for reference).

The previous coordinator had a "no parents on deck and no leisure swimmers in the child play feature " rule during lessons. Things ran much smoothly back then. None of this crap happened.

And don't get me started on some of these irresponsible lifeguards, and instructors today- they were really off the hook( dancing while guarding, trying to hide cell phone use in the chair, not enforcing rules, turning their back on non swimmers during lessons).

So yeah, that was today. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.