I ended a “talking stage” because of my own insecurities. How do I stop running?
Last weekend, I called things off with a girl before we even started dating or got into a relationship. We both agreed that we had something more than just friends; it was more so a talking stage (I don’t really like using that term). The reason as to why I wanted to end things was because I’ve currently been spiraling, which I’m assuming is due to school, pressure and a lack of self-love. Since I’ve been very negative towards myself lately, it’s been hard to believe this girl in my life truly likes me, although she’s reassured me many times she does. Overall, it’s my fault my thoughts don’t accept the thought that she likes me because, in my head, I seem unlikable, boring, and have no personality whatsoever. Not to mention the fact that I don’t have a plan after high school set in stone. I don’t have any passions or hobbies, I only have a couple of friends, and I don’t go out. So the thought I’ve been constantly thinking is, “How could she possibly like me? What is there to like about me?” Since I have these thoughts, I fear of being left or getting replaced because I’ve had numerous experiences involving sudden abandonment in the past. Due to the fear, I believe I need to run away from what is causing that fear. I can identify that is the problem within myself. I continue to run away from things rather than facing them. In this case, it’s being unable to love the person I am to identify someone who truly loves me.
Now that she and I are not “talking” anymore, I still can’t stop thinking about her and I miss the way things were, although I am the one who caused this and wanted to cut ties in the first place. I didn’t want to initially do it, but I accepted that if I made that decision I would be able to figure things out for myself and my purpose. But I still want her in my life and I would like to still be friends, but I don’t know if it’s right for me and her to just be friends; I understand it’s hard to be friends after having a romantic connection, especially when things end so abruptly and because I’m supposed to be focusing on myself more so. But I just thought I would feel like I hadn’t lost her fully in a sense? I know this may seem confusing and as if I’m going back and forth wanting to end things yet still wanting her in my life. But this is why I’m coming on here to ask for help; what am I doing wrong? How do I explore self-love before seeking relationships? How do I stop running away from my fears? Am I still able to be friends with this girl? Can this end in our connection just be temporary until I can accept love without self-doubt?
*This is also my first post on Reddit. Sorry if it’s a bit long. I just really need help, support or advice please. Anything will help. Thank you so much.