I f@cked up my relationship and I think I became the villain in my own story
I fucked up my relationship and I think I became the villain in my own story
Around 5 years ago I got into my first official relationship. She was also entering her first relationship ever. She is genuinely one of the best people I have ever met. Topper, rank holder, intelligent, mature, honest and someone who never lies. She had strong values and strong boundaries.
Then I came into her life.
I wasn't exactly a good person back then. I lied a lot and manipulated things just to get her attention and make her fall for me. Before this relationship, I had a physical relationship with my cousin and I completely hid that from my girlfriend. I even used parts of my past as a sympathy card to get closer to her. Somehow it worked.
As time passed, I made her emotionally dependent on me. A few months later my cousin came back into my life and I cheated on my girlfriend. Not once, not twice, many times.
Then I moved to another city. There I got into a friends with benefits situation with a colleague from my office. I still continued meeting my cousin sometimes too. I hid everything from my girlfriend because no matter what I did, I still wanted her in my life.
The worst part is I don't even have a proper excuse. Maybe lust. My girlfriend had boundaries around physical intimacy and always said she wanted to wait until marriage. I respected that on the surface because I knew her values meant something to her. I never blamed her for that because honestly she's the kind of person most people would wish to have.
But because she became emotionally dependent on me, she started getting insecure whenever I acted distant. That led to more fights. I started feeling irritated and instead of fixing things, I looked elsewhere and satisfied my physical needs with other women.
Now here's where things got more messed up.
The office colleague and I started as something casual but somewhere in between we started acting like actual lovers. Spending time, talking a lot and getting attached. Recently I found out she was playing double games and lying. I completely lost it and blamed her for everything.
Her response hit me hard. She said, "You already have a girlfriend. We were basically a hookup. Why are you acting like this?"
And I honestly had no answer.
Now I am stuck in this weird place where I still want my girlfriend and somehow I also want this office colleague. I know I sound selfish and messed up. I know I created this entire mess myself.
I don't know whether I actually love anyone or if I just want people around me so I don't lose them.
I know I fucked up badly.