u/FlameableAmber

Content warning: mentions of suicide

2 weeks ago when I was in a shitty headspace I vented in a post about how I moved to The Netherlands with my mom. On my part it was in desperation as HRT is not a thing in the country I was born in and basically 90% of the population are some kind of bigot. So no hope of transitioning there.

I turned 20 on the 11th and despite my mom knowing how much I hate my birthday and want to be left alone she and her boyfriend came into my room that day and told me if I can't get money in some way(preferably a job ofc) they won't let me stay.

Now the only place that I could even consider moving to is my dad's who lives in the country we came from. I don't want to live with him for a few reasons. He doesn't have the space for me, he lives with someone I hate and don't even want to look at, I'm not even sure if he could take me in and worst of all my mental health so bad I'm scared if I'm forced back into the kind of environment where I know I will never be able to transition I might just end it.

I know this might sound petty or childish or irresponsible but I honestly rather be homeless here than go back to that shit show of a country.I'd rather starve on the street than be forced back into the position that almost led me to kill myself and in an even worse form this time.

On top of all this my mom isn't exactly helping with my mental health as they basically made it out to be my fault that I can't get a job cuz I'm not looking hard enough or I dunno. I also overheard my mom talking with my grandma on the phone basically calling me a burden and talking about how I should be self sufficient already and she doesn't want to be responsible for me financially.

So yea I'm kinda at a loss. I know myself well enough. This will either end with me being homeless or with me killing myself in a months time.

Fair warning this is basically just a very long rant/vent.
Content warning: dysphoria and mentions of suicide

So quick history lesson on my situation.
About 3 years ago my mom met some guy who lived in The Netherlands but was Hungarian(we are also Hungarian) and they hit it off(at least enough to stay together for like 3 years) and after a while they decided they wanted to move in together and considering the state of Hungary it would be better to move out than for him to move back here. She approached me with this and easy to say I was immediately on board for multiple reasons the main one being that HRT isn't really a thing in Hungary at least not one you can get access to easily.
Now fast forward trough a few years of being promised we'd finally move that year my mom and her boyfriend actually managed to get a place. By this point I was 1.5 years away from finishing highschool but I could not have given a shit even the slightest chance of finally getting my hands on HRT made me go feral with excietment. After being treated and looked at as a guy for 19 agonizing years I would rather gamble my whole life than spend even 1 more day in a country were I don't have rights, no one respects me and anyone I talk to is either racist or some other kind of bigot.

So it happens I drop out of highschool and we get in my mom's boyfriend's car with all our stuff and go.
After settling in and being done with christmas(we moved around early december) I'm faced with the fact that I have to get a job and won't be able to finish any kind of school anytime soon. So I start looking for jobs and I keep looking and looking and looking and nothing. I'm either not qualified for a position(even ignoring that I never finished my highschool degree), or it's too far away, or they don't respond, or I get turned away with some other bs reason.
And now my mom's boyfriend is constantly breathing down my neck saying I should get a job making me feel like a waste of space human garbage. My mom even said that he's talking about making go back to hungary if I don't start earning money somehow and that is making really scared for what's gonna happen to me.
I know that this is basically all my fault for dropping out of highschool but my mom was well aware of how I basically only wanted to move so fast was HRT and I was suicidal basically the only thing keeping me alive was my girlfriend whom I met a few months before moving. And when given even the slightest chance at a better life I gave in to my desires rather than wait to see when I would finally attempt to end it.

And now that so much time has passed I'm starting to feel very dysphoric again I'm loosing the little hope I had. I feel like my body hair is growing faster every time I shave I can feel a stubble like 10 minutes later, all I do is talk to friends and my gf all day so I'm reminded of my shitty voice, every day I'm reminded of my F-ing body and all that's wrong with it and I just want to cry and I just can't stop myself from thinking why did I have to be born this way? My friends always tell me I look like a girl but I can't see it at all, all I see is some guy with long hair and an ugly ass face. And the thought of having to go back to Hungary where I would get even more disrespected and I would likely be even worse off because my support network not really existing there anymore is terrifying and I'd rather just run away and be homeless here than being sent back to that shithole of a country.

I'm starting to regret not ending it the last time i fell into deep depression. What is there to live for when I'm not even living. I'm alive sure but how can it be considered living if all I do all they is pretend to something and someone i'm not.

If you read this whole thing I'm sorry subjecting you to my bullshit but also thanks for reading this.