I was sexually abused in school by a peer of mine, it was then neglected.
I had recently moved schools and had never been in a mixed gender school before, I was always nervous about boys as I’d never really had any male friends growing up.
I was seated next to a boy in my first class and immediately he started repeatedly bullying me, I’ve never really been good with sticking up for myself so I’d just laugh with him or brush it off as annoying. At recess he began following me around and insulting everything and anything he could, such as my nose or my weight. One day when he started his usual he grabbed me from behind and put his hands up my shirt. I knew he was weirdly sexual with his comments but the moment he put his hands on me I realised that it wasn’t exactly funny anymore. He became vicious with his remarks and soon the entire class had disliked me too.
A year later he’d make it a habit of trying to follow me to the bathrooms around recess, I always needed the bathroom as I started to suffer badly from anxiety. The teachers never really cared about students waking off to the bathroom randomly and so eventually he managed to follow me into the bathrooms, and that’s when the first incident happened.
It happened many times after and even outside school but because it was so long ago and I’ve tried so hard over the years to beat it out of my head I genuinely can’t remember anything more than just the moments themselves. I’m not entirely sure why I let it happen, I was so afraid of being picked on more if the other kids thought it was sex so I kinda just let it slide and pray it’d just stop someday.
Sometime halfway through the abuse I made a partial report to the principal. I didn’t want to feel degraded so I was very vague, I didn’t really know how to describe rape either so I never mentioned it.
The principal spoke to him and had me write down the sexual comments he’d make and then had me read them out loud in front of my mother and him.
The principal promised me he’d leave me alone but sure enough I was sat next to him after the break due to a seat plan.
I went on to secondary school and thought life would get better since he’d be gone, I didn’t get to pick what secondary school I’d go to as there was only one girls school and one mixed school. I didn’t want to see him ever again so I ended up in an old nuns catholic school which I hated. The experience of the rapes caught up to me, I started failing nearly every class and I had such a low attendance rate I had the police called to my door one day to collect a fine. I made several attempts on my life, began to feel not really there and didn’t care much for anything or anyone.
I began to see a therapist soon after my mother found out about my mental health through suicide notes I had handed over to a teacher after she insisted something was wrong with me. I decided to finally file a report on the abuse at 14, but I felt so deeply ashamed and confused I never mentioned the rape. I was too focused on my current situation and getting aleast some part of it out to cause such a fuss with the worst of it all. I really wish I had though. My case and report against him was thrown out.
By the time I dropped out and left school completely, nearly 10 years later from when the abuse happened I’ve been left with daily reminders. Because of the nature of the rapes I suffer pretty badly with intestinal issues to the point where I’ve had to see doctors over the years, I did try to have a colonoscopy to find some sort of resolution but I couldn’t get myself to do it. I have partial numbness in my arm from the self harm and I don’t have full control over the palm of hand. I’ve been on multiple forms of medications and I take stomach tablets nearly daily.
I decided to go back to the police after I bumped into him and he threatened my life about 2 years ago. He’d come back home from being abroad and immediately began stalking me and my boyfriend. After he threatened me my mother drunkenly texted him calling him names. She didn’t tell me until I went to make my report and it all made a little more sense as to why he become so obsessed. Any little thing that was said in the texts he’d get more violent in his mannerisms. Everything told me I had to say and report it all, every last detail I could remember.
After a year and getting an amazing policeman who genuinely cared about getting my case to go toward court I finally thought I was getting somewhere. Still my case was turned down even after a year of him stalking me, making threats and making my life miserable. Even after giving the full story I never got my justice in the end and to this day I live in fear knowing he could be up to anything. The last few months he’s been in other altercations where’s violence has been a thing, including public spaces.
Just a few weeks ago he followed my boyfriend from work and stalked him, presumably knowing my boyfriend’s general routine. I’m not entirely sure how it’s going to end but I’m praying he ends up overdosing or getting himself locked up.
Anytime I’ve ever tried to speak up about what really happened people presumed I was only talking about the bullying and was told that it was just something I had to get over and to stop using as an excuse to be difficult or to add drama to my life. Even after it has all come out nobody has ever said sorry for not giving me the space to feel comfortable enough to say anything, my entire family treats it as just a learning experience, like a distant memory and that I to move on, that he isn’t interested anymore because I’ve went to the police twice over the years. I don’t want him to take my life someday and for them to come to the realization that it really was and is that serious, after I’m dead.
If theres one thing to take from my life it’s that if a child is going through something small, there may be something bigger they just can’t explain or get themselves to say. Always always make sure your child is aware that it’s important to report something as soon as it happens.