I'm so tired of being the one who chases.
This might be a long rant but I just wanna vent it out.
I'm sure it's my stupid attachment issues to blame but I always attract avoidant, immature or uncommunicative people who I then end up getting attached to because they do some weird shit to my nervous system.
I've had multiple friendships end with the other person pulling away for no obvious reason and me chasing them, trying to get them to communicate and apologizing even without knowing what or if I even did anything wrong.
I don't mind if people wanna leave. It's natural, not everyone's meant to stay forever, feelings change too. But I always seem to be the person who is stranded without any closure, the one who chases and begs for a chance, a last meet up, a clarification, a reason.
And it's always the connections that I thought would go somewhere. That I would see "potential" in. All the "what could've been."
It's so damn tiring. I'm exhausted.
I'm also not someone who's very extroverted or someone who doesn't like being alone. I really like that, but I've been doing that my whole life so I really wish I'd have at least one person close to me who I'd genuinely enjoy being around.
At times I just want to accept the fact that I'm meant to be alone and fulfilled in my own presence forever. But that too is hard to just make terms with sometimes.
I know I gotta work on my issues and regulate my nervous system so it's not affected by people who push and pull but man I'd really want someone who'd stay without me having to chase them.