My brother scares me
I do not know what is wrong with my brother, and to explain it properly I have to go back to when we were kids. Growing up, he seemed completely normal. He was funny, smart, well liked. Nothing stood out until early adolescence. The first moment that made me realise something was off was when he set a fire right next to our house. It was put out quickly, but it scared me.
As he got older, his behaviour changed. He started stealing, lying, and getting into constant conflict. He moved between different family members for a while, and during that time he began telling people extreme stories about being mistreated, abandoned, or left to survive on his own. These stories were not true. I was physically present for many of the events he twisted. He would take a tiny grain of truth and turn it into something dramatic and completely disconnected from reality.
His interests became darker. He became obsessed with horror and violent themes. He would say things that frightened me, like telling me I would not be laughing if I woke up and everyone was dead. There were nights where I heard someone outside my window, and the next morning things in my room had been moved. I cannot prove it was him, but there was no sign of a break in and it left me terrified.
He has always struggled socially. When he drinks, he acts like a young teenager. Even sober, he reacts aggressively if people do not respond exactly how he wants. He calls multiple times a day over tiny things and becomes angry if anyone sets a boundary.
There have been moments that crossed lines I still do not know how to process. He has made serious threats toward family members. He has violated boundaries in ways that still make me feel sick, including sending explicit videos to a sibling. He told me once that he threatened a partner in a way that shocked me, and he said it like it was not even that bad.
He also goes through impulsive phases where he decides to completely change his life overnight. He will sell everything he owns, leave his home, and travel somewhere with no plan. Each time it falls apart quickly and family ends up picking up the pieces.
He has talked about wanting to end his life for more than a decade. He cannot keep a job because he gets into conflicts or misunderstandings with coworkers or supervisors. He has seen multiple specialists, including expensive ones, and the only diagnosis he has ever been given is depression. But what I have seen feels so much bigger and more complicated than that.
I do not have contact with him anymore because I do not feel safe. But I think about him constantly. I wonder if he is okay. I wonder if he would be different if he had the right help. I wonder if anyone else has lived through something like this with a sibling.
I feel scared, guilty, sad, angry, confused, and exhausted all at once. I just needed to put this somewhere because it has been sitting on my chest for years.