It has been 5 months now since my best friend of ten years avoidant discarded me (I stress best friend because she was like a sister to me, truly). I still think of her everyday and how she’s doing, I hope she’s doing okay! In the end I wasn’t worth a conversation to her and that is all the closure I needed.
I have since made many new meaningful friendships that I am so grateful for! I just can’t help but think how much she would have loved to be part of these friendships. They’re everything we’ve ever spoken about in our adult lives. We had some troubles making new meaningful friendships with people are we always spoke about how we didn’t feel like we belonged in our then friendship group (which I am no longer apart of but she remains in). This thought makes me sad.
I can’t help but feel so perplexed every night about our friendship and how it ended and why it ended. Ultimately I think that my ex best friend just couldn’t be bothered with me anymore. Just before I was avoidant discarded, she had told me how her now I guess best friend (who made me very uncomfortable and low key bullied me) annoyed her so much that she didn’t want to see her for five weeks. And she didn’t exactly that. She made so much effort to see me during those five weeks. This thought really has me perplexed. Why was I the throw away friend when our friendship was more meaningful, had more in common, known each other significantly longer and so much more. Did she talk about me the way she talked about her?
I’m getting married in a couple months, I wonder how she’d react to that. It hurts me knowing she will miss out on this day. I’m worried incase she wants to be apart of my life in the future when it is too late, when the damage has been done, when she hasn’t been there for me through the worst times or the best. She has done this to me before and returned a year later. This worries me as I feel that now in my adulthood I cannot deal with the stress or drama of the thought. I wish she was more emotionally mature and we could’ve had a conversation. I really hope she’s doing well, I stress about this a lot.
I think it’s crazy how much someone can love another person platonically. No matter how much damage she has caused me, I would still welcome her with open arms. I have had to set boundaries for myself to not accept her with open arms so soon. I think I’m glad I did. I was tired of getting walked all over and not treated how I treated her.
Ultimately I’m still sad about the situation and think about it very often. I have had to take up therapy for suicidal thoughts since it had all happened. I do find myself in a better place in that I don’t feel the betrayal I once had from her but in a way I feel like a part of me is missing and will forever be gone.
Thanks for listening, just wanted to rant about my depressive thoughts :)