Idk what to do
So I was dating this girl and I love her so much but she would hit me every now and then and it kept getting worse like to the point where one time she said "I'm breaking up with u" and I said "ok u can go home" and she grabbed me put me on the bed and held a knife to me telling me that we aren't breaking up. I'm in highschool and recently stuff has happened. I don't want to say too much but word got out abt what she was doing to me and now like legal action is happening and I just feel bad. I love her and care abt her and I wish it didn't have to end like this. I desperately wish things could've been different but I felt as if the only way to safely get out is by taking legal action. While I was in the relationship I was scared that I wouldn't come out alive and that someone would come out dead. I miss her alot bc even tho there was bad times she loved me so much and cared abt me so much and I'm scared no one will love me like she will ever again. And I'm gonna miss all her attention and just her in general. I feel bad bc I feel like I ruined her life. She keeps trying to text me and getting other people to text me for her but I keep blocking her and blocking the people who are texting me for her. One person was telling me that she was saying she wasn't mad and she just wanted one last phone call but I don't believe she's not mad. And I'm too scared of her to even call her. I'm scared of being in my house bc she's told she would break in my house before. Another person told me that she wanted to ask me if she could wait for me and she would improve herself alot and we could get back tg in a couple years and everything would be better. But idk if I trust that or would want to go back into that toxicity it was bad and she made me stop talking and made me block my 2 best friends and I would literally only hangout with her and I felt so alone. But I texted the person back saying that she shouldn't just change for me she needs to change for herself too if a couple years down the line she truly is better and I hear she's alot better I'd consider getting with her again but for now she needs to change for herself then after that I blocked the person. I feel to bad to even talk to her and I'm scared. I really want to but ik I'd just get sucked back into the same mess all over again and what's done is done I can't go back now I need to move forward. But now I need constant distraction to get me through the day anything I think abt it I start to cry and I need to be constantly distracted or I get to sad. Ik I have lots of people who love me and are very proud of me and people that I can talk to that can comfort me but no one is gonna comfort me like she did and I'm really gonna miss her.i just don't know how to get past this and I really do want to talk to her just I'm to scared and ik she will manipulate me into getting back with her and I can't do that. I have freedom now and I need to choose this life. I wish I could have both but ik thats not possible. I will forever have her in my heart and I wish I could talk to her abt this bc her comfort was always nice. But I need to move on with my life and choose happiness.