u/Flashy_Equipment4859

Being “strong” in situations like this doesn’t really lead anywhere. In fact, sometimes it only makes things worse. The more firm, calm, or emotionally controlled you try to be, the more they seem to get angry, because they feel they are losing control over you. So instead of respecting your strength, they may try even harder to break you down, provoke you, or become even more aggressive. Being stronger doesn’t solve the dynamic. It can actually make them push harder.

I tried every possible “strategy.” I was cold and stood my ground without chasing her, well, she pulled away anyway. Sometimes I chased her, and she pulled away anyway. My therapist said: poor guy, whoever manages to be with them. Basically, if you’re able to be with someone like that, you’re just as crazy as they are.

You can try to do anything, but it won’t work anyway because they live according to the emotions of the moment; there’s no logic. If you’re cold, you’re abandoning them; if you’re kind, you’re clingy; if you leave, you’re bad; if you stay, you’re weak. Don’t think you can do something about it, it’s a trap.

I’m the one who was “stronger,” and well, I can tell you it’s even worse. They try to break you down even more, and the cruel things they do are maybe even worse. They provoke you in inhuman ways.

Example: while I was arguing with her on WhatsApp, she had the brilliant idea of posting an Instagram story where she was buying another man a drink.

So being stronger just makes them even angrier.

To give you a comparison, it’s like asking you to fill a bag with mountain air. Could you do it? No.

With a normal person, you have consistency and explicit requests, like: I really like you, but I’m afraid of moving too fast. That allows you to act based on a sincere statement.

With a person who has this kind of style, the statement you’re supposed to base your actions on keeps changing constantly. For example:

“I need space.” You give them space. Then: “You don’t care about me at all, why are you leaving?” So you get closer again and try to be nice. Then: “Why are you all over me? I told you I need space. Don’t you have a life?”

It’s impossible to solve a problem if that problem keeps being moved around.

In my situation, she tried to make me look like the one who was more in love, more attached, more needy, when in reality it was the opposite. Every action of mine was reshaped by her internal state. So basically, all your actions get rearranged by her in whatever way suits her best.

I would tell her: why are you pretending you don’t care about me? It’s obvious that you do. You’re jealous, clingy.

Well, the more I told her that, the more she told me she didn’t care about me at all, willing to end the relationship just to avoid admitting it.

You have only one option: total submission, and even then you’ll still be treated badly and pushed away.

I’m dating a girl who probably has BPD traits, or something similar.

This girl suddenly started saying things like: “You’re in love,” “You’re more into me than I am into you,” even though I basically wasn’t doing anything special. I’ve always been calm, and above all I’m confident enough not to be a chaser or someone who gets easily worked up.

After this phase, she started provoking me. She tried to make me jealous, to make me feel like I was in the wrong, but I reacted with detachment and almost disinterest.

This led to a senseless breakup, with her saying contradictory things, almost as if she didn’t really want to end things.

Well, after that there were other contacts, along with a significant amount of indirect hoovering on social media: phrases, songs, Instagram stories, etc.

In these interactions, she becomes extremely defensive, though it’s not really clear what she’s defending herself from. For example, if I mention a girl she knows, she explodes and says, “Go fuck her, I don’t care, she’s a slut,” and so on.

If I tell her we should meet up, she seems scared, almost as if contact with me frightens her.

What the hell is going on?