So me and my boyfriend have been through a lot. We have been together over a year. I am very but an avoidant attachment style and he is an anxiety attachment. So those two alone feel like a red flag. My boyfriend is very insecure about himself but also at the same time very full of himself if that makes sense. The reason I wonder if I'm abusive to is because I have acted out the way he as acted out with me when we get into fights. He has and always says the nasty shit to me. Calls me a shitty mom, how I fight for men. The biggest one is how he always says I fight for other men. One red flag for me was that he asked me to delete all the men in my phone. I saw it as a control thing and told him that some are coworkers and classmates (im in nursing school). These men im supposed fighting for are old high school friends that I have kept in touch with forever. We all have gone to each other's weddings and kids birthday parties, ect. But he said they are never there for me and that in relationships you don't have opposite sex telephone numbers. Now my back story is im a 35f and a baby of 6 all 5 older siblings are boys. So I never really looked at all men wanting to "f**k me" like my boyfriend claims. Mind you my old friends we talk the 4 of us 2 males and 2 female checkin in with each other maybe 2 or 3 times a year unless there's a big celebration which we often invite each other too. But I did it anyways. I know one of them will reach out and I will get family updates later. Another is my best friends husband. My best friend and I have been friends over 30 years now. We aren't talking cause he ruined that relationship telling her I flirted with him and he only wants to f**k me. Well I hate her husband because he's a cheating liar and did her dirty and she went through a lot. I watched everything and watched them over come. But I still don't like him.
Thats the first things now he always ALWAYS brings up and tells people how I "fight for other men". No when we fought all I ever wanted to do was leave and go home because he gets so so mean. Saying the meanest things I have ever been called in my life. So I want to walk away and every time I tried he would do what I call "hold me hostage." He would not get out of my car, or take my car keys. One big incident is he got up at like 2am and starting fighting cause I was not cuddling him. He took my keys and refused give them back. We were fighting for them and I ended up hitting him on the face because he wouldn't let me leave. I tried to call 911 but he took my phone (not the first time). He told me I could walk home but not with the shoes he bought me. It was in the 40s° outside and I wasn't wearing much to bed. He said that if I called the cops he would just throw my keys out the window and tell them I am lying. He said it so confidently I felt legit manipulation. This was not the first time I hit him. I did it again during a fight where he was saying nasty things about me and my kids while I was walking away and I just turned around and slapped him in the face. Does this also make me abusive? It was only twice. He did the typical abusive men things. Blame me for everything. He would say something like "I don't act out this way just because" he gets very destructive with my car. Kicked it, threw a glass pipe at it and shattered my tail lights, kicked off my side mirror, tried to brake my windshield.
He always manages to make everything my fault and I can't tell of it really is. He said if I would just breathe when we get into fights and not leave he wouldn't act this way. But i want to walk away without him because it doesn't help. He wants me to take a breathe in front of him rather than on my own.
The latest incident was that we got into a fight in a Stater bros parking lot. We needed to buy food for his boys who were gonna be there at 8pm. That morning though he woke up very angry and idk why. I spent all day trying to break that and he wouldn't budge. Well around 3pm at Stater bros we got there and he refused to get out of the car. So I got back im just waiting it out like I have before. But that led to us yelling and cursing. I tired to hit a bottle out of his hand so he would leave the car and I couldn't take off cause it was a very bad fight. Well i said some super shitty things to him. Things I would never say at all. I didn't know I had it in me. This caused him to start kicking my windshield, and my side mirror. He was very angry and aggressive. He also carries (gun) and at this point I was scared and didnt know what to do. So I got out my phone to call 911. In the progress he tried to take it from me and I bite him once he let go I got out of the car and called 911. Well i told them he was aggressive and what he was trying to do and that he does carry a gun on him. Well we both got arrested he was not charged and I was arrested for domestic violence cause I bite him and he didnt hurt me. Just being aggressive and damaging my property. I feel like I am the abusive one because why else would all this stuff happen? Am I just this terrible person and it took him for me to realize that? I am so confused. All he ever does is yell and tell me how shitty I am and then turns around and tells me he loves me and can't be without me. I don't know what to do anymore. He said that the day we got arrested was my fault and all he did was damage my car and that was it. I dont know. This is what its like im posting a picture of the nicest things he's told me when he's mad. Please help me feel sane or make sense