I (28 M) am a step parent to my partner's (32 M) two boys (7m & 12m) and their other bio parent has remarried and the new spouse also came with 2 kids and so we split parent our 2 boys biweekly with their other house. It has been this way for a few years so nothing new.
Lately our elder boy has been an absolute disaster. Lying, cheating, sneaking, manipulative, uncaring, self centered ect. It's been bad. School is sending emails every other day. His attitude at home is insane and he's been treating his step parent at his other house very poorly as well. He's mean to all his younger siblings, often even physically rough with them. He's usually a pretty good kid, and we run a chill home with minimal rules outside of do school stuff, be respectful and help out ect. He's been having angry outbursts, being a problem at school and both houses, and just overall making life a walking minefield. We've tried everything. Coddling, soft parenting (my preferred and a habit my partner has stepped into decently), grounding, taking away, extra help, step by step instructions and or help, checklists, gentle talking (think, "hey man this isn't cool,") but every time it seems like we make progress, it's immediately lost when he goes to his other house because they dont get on his shit or check his grades or hold him accountable for any of his dumb shit. The relationship between my partner and his ex husband is.. rough. They had an abusive marriage and have only these last couple years been able to even communicate remotely civil through the help of step parents. And we absolutely adore the step parent at that house.
I guess I'm just at a loss. My partner is reverting to not being able to regulate his emotions as well because this is exactly the same attitude and behavior his ex husband displayed and we're scared to send our child in to the real world acting an absolute fool. His bio dad is white, Christian and very, "hands off," while expecting his new partner to take care of all 4 kids and work full time to scrape by. He has always had this attitude towards life, whereas we are very opposite. Everything is equal, thought out, and full of love and consideration. We try to teach our kids about different people and religions and orientations and walks of life. Very chill, not usually confrontational, very listen more than speak ect so this has been really hard for us..
Anyone in a similar situation or at the other side of one? Just trying to see what piece we're missing..