I feel like I kinda hit a wall in my life. I know I still have opportunities, many actually, but at the same time I feel like I already ruined everything. Which is not true! It's so tiring, I feel like I made huge mistakes and at the same time I know damn well I still have chances! I'm so confused! I just recently turned 18 and I feel like that didn't help my situation at ALL. I went to high school (in Germany: Abitur) when I was somewhat freshly 16 and I was so motivated to go to school, I never skipped back at my old school, only once because I was bullied for being transgender and queer. I wanted to go to high school so badly, change my name, start over (somewhat) and just focus on getting through with it. I never had particularly bad grades except PE... Yeah... So I was hopeful, though I was a bit nervous since my math grade almost held me back from getting into high school.
I met my (at that time) best friend, she was a year older than me. And after a few minor inconveniences, I got into skipping classes. First only single lessons, by now whole days, sometimes multiple in a row.
And now I can't stop.
I always had this issue with reliability, especially when it came to school. I was always wondering: "Why? For whom am I even here?"
My self esteem has gotten so low that I'm not worth my own effort. I obviously am worth my own effort, I just can't bring myself to believe it and actually get up and do something for myself, especially if it has to do with school. I feel like a genuine loser for repeating the first year of high school and still not getting it. Everyone thinks I'm whack, lazy and unreliable. This year my teachers all think I'm dropping out anyway, even if I said I want to stay! They've basically given up on me and I feel like a sore loser about it because I know damn well in the end it is my fault that they think this was about me.
I've been wanting to become a pathologist.
That's the worst thing about it. It takes time and dedication. And I can't even finish my first year of highschool without dropping out or falling into depressive episodes.
I can't do anything on my own. I can, but I can't bring myself to do so. I haven't even legally changed my name yet even though I could've already done so like 2 years ago. I also haven't gotten a doc to undergo hormone therapy.
And sometimes I think about all this and more and I just want to blow my shit right off. But you know what? Wouldn't be me if I wasn't a loser, right? Yeah, so like I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself. I haven't attempted. Ever. My self harm is more harmless than the cut I have in my thumb right now from fucking up trying to cut a sausage for the grill!
At least one good thing about being a loser is that nobody has to worry about me killing myself. But I also feel like that's the reason why some people, especially my parents, don't take some of my mental loads seriously. Everyone takes suicidal people seriously, my friend tried killing himself last year on top all of this and I was the first to try and prevent it because HE TOLD ME. He just told me he's gonna be gone soon, right in my face while I had all this shit going on! Dude I love you, but what the fuck. I spiralled so badly because of that, since last year I feel like I'm slowly rotting in a ditch.
I did find a Training opportunity to become a lab assistant in the local hospital. But I need physics, math and chemistry for it. I feel like I'm actually, genuinely cooked. But at least I can still go to the local supermarket and work at the cash register if I can't even sit my ass down to become a lab assistant.
But you know what I also found? A boyfriend! I'm a virgin, he isn't. I'm deathly scared of sex! I think I'm asexual, but sometimes I don't. I feel sorry for him sometimes, I can't talk while sober and I definitely can't fuck while sober. Did I mention that I regularly drink? I confessed to my boyfriend in tears that I finally want to be taken seriously by my partner and want someone who actually sees me as a whole and not just a tamagochi or something idk. It was embarrassing, I was clinging to him like a lifeline while sobbing. Yuck.
I think it's obvious I never really thought of using this subreddit before because my vent is just a whole lot of bullshit actually. Yeah I hope anyone who read this had fun, idk what to say, I just wanted to get all this off my chest, because I feel like that picture of a person crawling in shallow water with their head peeking out and yelling "help!" Yeah. Idk.