Saw another post about why would a god allow or make certain things to happen. It made me remember how my mom was very spiritual. We grew up sometimes going to church but she didn’t always like the church (a lot of the people there made her feel off) but she seemed to have a strong Christian faith.
I knew that it brought her a lot of comfort. Then I got sick. Like really sick. For about 5 years I went undiagnosed with a disease that made me feel like I was dying. I would have horrible episodes of illness and pain where if I wasn’t taken by ambulance she and my brother would have to carry me out to her car to take me to the ER. I was treated terribly by medical staff who thought I was lying about my symptoms. I got medically tortured and abused because they thought my illness was all in my head (it wasn’t) I wanted to kill myself constantly because I was in so much pain and no one took me seriously.
Over the years my mom watched me suffer to the point where during an episode I asked her to kill me. I begged her to put me out of my misery because I was too scared and physically weak to do it myself. I wanted her to either over dose me or smother me.
My mother broke. For years she watched me be medically neglected and tortured with no answers except being told that I was crazy or exaggerating myself symptoms. She took me to countless specialists. I finally got an answer when I was 17. A surgeon took on my case and diagnosed me after my first surgery. That didn’t stop the pain or the Illness though. So she continued to watch me suffer.
She’d often journal to help cope with her trauma and years later she shared with me her writings. She admitted that watching me suffer made her stop believing in god. Because why would a god do that to a child? How could a god be loving and caring and watch a child beg to die while in excruciating pain and make her go through that too? Why did god not answer her prayers? Why would god do that to her baby?
Weird thing is I’m still spiritual (not Christian) but I got mad beef with god too cuz that’s genuinely some fuck shit I was put through.
I know one day my disease is gonna kill me but I’m planning a nice exit in Switzerland before that happens. The “legal” way.
My mom also mentioned how if I did kill myself that she’d understand. She doesn’t want me to but she wouldn’t fight it either. After everything I’ve been through. And honestly, hearing someone tell me that is genuinely way better than having anyone say “I’ll
pray for you” because prayer does not work. Clearly. Empathy and sympathy does though.