I just want the noise and pain to stop
I am so SICK and TIRED of being burnt out ALL OF THE TIME. Yes I’m aware my choice of behaviors is why I am in more emotional pain than necessary and YES I know that in order to “make a life worth living” I need to be more compassionate and dialectic with my thinking - I am just so sick of being aware and not wanting or not being able to change because it’s so FUCKING HARD to not hate myself and detach from this narrative that I’m not ‘worthy’ I’m not pretty, smart, skinny, funny, WHATEVER enough!!! I hate that I hate myself cuz I know I need to love myself and all of this noise and pain is so sickening I just want to breathe. I want to get off this rollercoaster I never wanted it and now I’m stuck cuz it’s life and I don’t have any way to NOT have BPD and not have the fucking most sensitive emotional reactivity in the entire world. God everything just feels like punishment. I am so sick of wanting to be loved and chosen and then not because if not by someone else I find it extremely impossible for myself. Self love for a pwBPD? Yeah right. I keep hitting the very walls I built inside my mind. I can’t even function because I’m so jaded and fucking done with life and trying to find love or friendship or anything and its NOT WORKING. So why not just fucking lose all control and push ppl away by being unfiltered?! Cuz my fucking brain won’t let me believe there’s any success for me in this life anyway. That there’s no real happiness just required tactical avoidance of letting my BPD tantrum. God if I’m not meant to be loved or chosen then take away this want I don’t need it. Why couldn’t I just be someone who actually does not gaf? No, instead I care too much, so much that my entire being is at the mercy of whoever will tempt my addiction of chasing validation.