Am I the problem? Struggling with friendships?
I’ve been trying to create friends and friendships and struggling. And I’m wondering if I’m the problem, and if I am— how do I pinpoint what the issue is?
Mid 30s female. Married with 1 child. I have friendships with my sisters in law, and 1 close friend. I have friends at work, but always have kept colleagues at arms length and keep the friendships professional. But beyond that, I’ve struggled to make friends. And it’s not for a lack of trying.
Other parents of the school group will make plans and everyone is there! I’ve tried to put plans together and nobody responds to the group chat. At a birthday party recently for one of the students, I noticed all the parents in smaller groups— except me. Everyone had their group they stuck with for the entirety of the party and I floated by myself. Many were chatting about recent outings or gatherings they put on, but my child and I were not invited to. (DO NOT expect to be invited to everything! It’s just the pattern of they’re being available for other parents/the right parents.) I’ve tried several times to invite another mom/child to get together and am ghosted or met with being unavailable “for the next 2 weeks”.
I’ve noticed friendships popping up between families that have been on the baseball team the same amount of time. But I’ve been completely unable to connect with all the parents. Again, we’ve put out invitations and been met with unavailability.
Similar pattern amongst church groups and book club. I’ll try to put together a book group and nobody responds. Tried hosting a girls night and I’ll invite 10-12 people and 2 people show up.
The point is, I feel like I’m putting in the effort to connect with and talk to people. I feel like- especially for other moms, they might not want to plan or host. So I try to do that. If I ever know it’s someone’s birthday, I text them! However, it was my birthday recently and not a single one text me. Again, putting in the effort. And I’m met with 0 energy reciprocated.
I know people are busy! I’m not expecting 100% attention, 100% of the time. It just feels like it’s a pattern amongst several different, diverse, groups and I’m starting to wonder if I’m the problem?
This is also several years worth of effort, invitations, and noticing the pattern.
For context, I FEEL like these things are going well/right:
My child gets along with the other children involved and is nice enough to everyone
I ask appropriate questions and try to get to know others (ie I’m not talking about myself the whole time)
I’m fairly positive and keep things upbeat
I don’t gossip
I don’t think I’m socially awkward
Again, I THINK I’m doing the right things, and can’t pinpoint where the problem is.
I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this and figured out a solution? Or tips on being a better friend to create better relationships? How do I pinpoint if I’m doing something that is offsetting?