u/Flatcapdad

Like the headline says, I’m wondering how common it is that you experience catfishing? I would assume that it happens mostly to olders but I’d love to hear from youngers as well. It’s happened to me a handful of times now, but thankfully not in regard to anyone I’ve posted about.

However, I just discovered a young man I have been lightly chatting with has basically been sending me photos of a Twitter/OF porn star claiming it was him. Thankfully I didn’t get too deep with him, so I’m not hurt. But it got me thinking: it must happen all the time for those of us who are pursuing age-gap connections in online spaces. Of the handful of times I have been catfished, it’s happened three times now on here and twice on scruff. I’m sure it happens on gr*nder all the time, too. Has it happened a lot to you guys?

This is a real story of something I just went through over the last week and it’s been occupying my mind for the last 4 days, so I feel like to fully help myself process this, I need to write it out and tell someone who would understand the dynamics of what I’m going through. Apologies in advance for the long post, I just want to tell the tale.

I met him on Sniffies, of all places. His profile was surprisingly demure. A handsome torso shot in an open shirt, a photo of his back arch in boxer briefs and a shot of his rear in a modest black thong just peaking out of the waistband of his jean shorts. The text said, “18 M. any age ok, just don’t be weird,” and had the usual stats like height, weight penis length and so on.

I hit him up of course.

I am man who is now in my early 50’s. I like younger men and I am hoping for an age-gap relationship. But I only ever reach out to boys in their late teens for an occasional hook up. They can be fun to play with and their bodies are really lovely. Relationally, I am more into men who are beyond the brain development stage of life. For context, the last person I connected with on a significant level was in his early 30’s and I love to chat with and connect with millennial aged men.

This boy got my attention, though, and not being spoken for, I decided to risk having a hookup with him despite his young age as we both agreed it would be fun.

We arranged to meet the next day in the afternoon around 2pm. He was early. Unlike some of the younger men I have occasionally allowed myself to play with, he didn’t ask for a ride, or to be accommodated in any way. He was self sufficient and he took the light rail to meet me. He even refused a ride from the train station, preferring the 15-minute walk to my place. He was early.

We had a lovely time and even though neither of us climaxed, he said he really enjoyed himself and wanted to meet again. We spent a little over two hours together that afternoon and it was one of the best hookups I’ve had. He was very committed to his time boundaries and for a young man of only 18 years, he carried himself and his commitments well. He even kissed me goodbye and regretted having to leave so soon.

After he left, I waited until I thought he’d be on the train again and I texted him to thank him for coming over and to tell him I really enjoyed our session. He agreed and said he was looking forward to another.

That’s when we started chatting.

I could tell from our hook up, he was attracted to me, but he was appropriately guarded. So, I didn’t text more than my initial thank-you message and the back-and-forth it brought about. In fact, I told him I didnt want to give off creepy-old-man vibes, so I would let him take the lead for when he wanted to reach out. But I was fascinated by his story and I hoped he would hit me up again soon, like the next week or so.

Imagine my surprise when he hit me up the next evening asking if I was free that Sunday. I was, but I reminded him that it was Mother’s Day and that it may not be the best day to hook up as he may need to spend that time with family. He told me that’s why he wanted to come over. He was looking for a good excuse to not have to go to the event. The long and the short of it is, we did not get together that Sunday, but we began texting and chatting. We even started talking on the phone for a couple of hours each night as he would take an evening walk around his neighborhood.

In the back of my mind, I knew that I had no business chatting with an 18 year-old boy. I really do know that. At 52, no matter what some of our romantic brethren on this sub may say, I believe that there is such a distinct difference in the needs and life stages of myself and a boy of 18, that the age gap is a blockade. The gap itself is not, I believe, but the life and developmental stages are. For me and this boy it was not only 34 years, it was 34 pivotal, developmental years.

But I chose to engage with him anyway. I think it’s because during our hookup, we talked and chatted and I got to see some of his history. He came from a childhood of physical abuse and poverty and he had weathered heavy circumstances and was making the most of his life. He had graduated early and was living with a sister and a third roommate in their own apartment. He was not only gainfully employed, but was interning at another business in the hopes of building his own one day. His childhood difficulties had not overwhelmed him and he was fighting for his place as an adult. I was so impressed by him.

I like to consider myself emotionally astute and intelligent. I have had years of therapy (even including conversion therapy. Feel free to chat me up about it sometime.) and I am a student of my own emotions and how human emotions work. So, I know all about limerence, love, attraction, trauma bonding and the rest. I know that the connection I felt was more attraction and limerence than anything close to love or genuine compatibility. I also know, having lived 52 years on this planet that real maturity and presenting as mature are very different things.

I say all this to tell you, I was completely emotionally prepared to keep this connection in the realm of hookups or at most a so-called “friend-with-benefits.” I am a grown-ass man and I have to tools to protect my heart. But as we would talk on the phone, I found myself continually inspired by and attracted to this young man. I found that all my safeguards and all my knowledge of my own heart and the human condition had to fight to keep themselves in the foreground of my mind as we talked. I was losing myself to the limerence of this beautiful boy and discovering what a diamond in the rough he was.

And he was feeling it, too. After, maybe, our first phone conversation (mind you, this was only about two nights after our hook up) we were talking about age gap relationships and I was saying how, even if I found the right guy in his early- to mid-twenties, I would be intimidated by how physical his lifestyle would be and how hard it might be to keep up. We then talked about other things and shared some stories and eventually called it a night. I then got a text from him as I was getting ready for bed:

“Oh before I leave you for the night, I just wanted to respond to what you were saying earlier about dating someone my age.
I don’t think I’m in a place to date right now but if I was you’d be my choice. Things might change as we get to know each other more though and I might be open to dating (if you want to of course)
You seem like the perfect boyfriend.”

This floored me.

I was so enamored that a big bear dad like me would be the object of desire to a young, lithe, pretty boy like him. I won’t lie, it got the endorphins pumping.

We continued to talk over the weekend. Each of us committing to each other that neither of us were ready to date in such a significant age gap, but that we were into each other and wanted to take it slow. In fact, I would bring up the considerations (power dynamics, daddy issues, family disapproval, etc.) with him on purpose just to make sure he knew I was aware of them and had no intention of taking advantage of his youth and lack of life experience.

We even tried to pull a last-minute Mother’s Day quickie before he had to go to his family’s place. It didn’t happen, but I know we both wanted it. So, we planned to meet on this Sunday (today at the time of this posting) for an extended time together. And over the next few days we continued to text a little and to talk on the phone at night as he was winding down.

Then Wednesday happened. One week to the day of our hook up, when I was deeply in my feels for this kid and I know he was for me too. I hadn’t heard from him most of the day, and I could sense something was up. I finally texted around 8 p.m. - the time we would normally talk on the phone - and he said he was out with friends (he has a very active social circle) and that he’d text me when he got home.

True to his word, he texted me about 9:30 and we chatted a bit. But he said he was not up for a call. It turns out he had had a conversation with his friend group, who are very dear to him, about the hypothetical of an age-gap relationship. He didn’t tell me what they said about it but said the reaction to the thought of it was universally and abjectly negative among his friends. He said that it had him a bit down, but more that it had him in a deep mode of consideration. I told him I understood and that his friends were his chosen family in this world and that I never wanted him to have to choose between me and them for any reason. I said I was still hoping to spend some time with him on Sunday, but that it seemed like he was reconsidering and to please just let me know whatever he decided. I really felt the pressure to treat this young man with the utmost respect for his sovereignty and freedom to make his own decisions because he was young and I was coming to care for him. Even after only a few days.

It killed me but I didn’t reach out. It all feels so silly as I write it here. This burst of limerence and attraction only happened over the space of a few days, but waiting for him to reach out felt like an eternity. I heard from him the next evening, Thursday past - it was less than 24 hours between his conversation with his friends and his text to me, but in the world of endorphins and high emotion, that may as well have been a week.

He basically said that he texted me to say that he can’t do this. He explained he was catching feelings and he was feeling the pull to date me, despite our talk of going slow. He said, he would want to bring a partner around to be with his friends and family and didn’t think he’d ever be able to do that with me, as no one would ever accept it.

I couldn’t fault him. I felt the same way. My adult friends know that since I have come out, I have really only pursued younger men and they accept that, but even my least judgmental friends would struggle to accept me at 52 dating an 18-year old, especially one who JUST turned 18 about 2.5 months ago.

I understood. In fact I commended him on how mature and healthy his decision was. I told him he didn’t need to worry about pleasing me or conforming to my agenda, but that he was wise and strong to choose himself first. His friends were his world and he mustn’t loose that support over catching feelings for a hookup.

We processed together by text a wile longer and I asked him bluntly, how deep did it go? How deep did his feelings get? And he responded with this:

“I honestly think that’s part of why I had to stop this. I felt myself starting to fall for you and it scared me. I have so much shit I need to work on and I don’t think I can be in a relationship right now and continuing to hook up would just make me feel bad.”

It felt good to read and felt sorrowful to read at the same time. So that night (Thursday past) we agreed that we would not see each other this weekend and that we would dial it all the way back to just friends. Normally, I wouldn’t even allow that to happen. I would simply say a fond goodbye and move on, but something about this kid inspires and intrigues me and if he will have me in his life at some level I would like to stick around and I hope he feels the same. But we’ll see.

For the last 4 days, I have felt like I am in a stupor as I’m coming down form the emotions, my pre-occupation with this young man and wanting more of him in my life. We never dated. We never had anything long-term, it wasn’t even a situationship. It was a single amazing (but mediocre - lol!) hook up and a lot of texting and intimate conversations over the phone. But I can tell you, he was not the only one who caught feelings.

Today is Sunday. The time we would have spent together has come and gone. For the past few days I have hoped the insolubility of youth would prevail and I’d get a message that he would have changed his mind or even that he would have shown up at my door unannounced at our appointed time. But he didn’t and I didn’t. He proved that he was not 18 enough to be blown about by his emotions like most boys his age.

I’m ok. I’m going to be ok. Telling this story is part of it. Just writing this out and giving my brain a way to process the instant connection and the instant loss is a huge help. I know I’ll find my person. I don’t think it’s meant to be him. I really DO think he made a good call for us both and a tough call, at that. I meant what I said when I affirmed his decision to do it. And it’s taken everything in me over the last few days not to text him and say “please come be with me.”

To my credit, I haven’t.

To those who made it to the end. Thank you for reading. I hope I have kept your attention and that my writing was not laborious. I’m in a good place. It just hurts and I am old enough to know there’s nothing to be done about that. This is a special young man that I met and I want to do him honor by publicly lamenting the loss of our potential.

(EDIT: posting this was really for me. So thank you all for putting up with my self indulgence. Edited for some grammar and spelling. I’m sure I didn’t catch it all.)