Text from my mother. I can’t trust anyone. Help.
So I’ve always thought my dad was the covert. He lives in a different country and abandoned me as a teen. Never thought of my mom but we have had huge problems my whole life. Weird close dynamic. She is dying of cancer is on another planet of abusive. But calls me abusive everyday. It’s hard to unravel. I am dx BPD, and CPTSD and have autoimmune/connective tissue disorder that has prevented me working on and off throughout my life. I currently rely on her after break up. This is sample of how she has been:
You have flipped the narrative on so many things tonight beginning when you were five. Ridiculous. If I was a man and travelled to support the family would that have been better? If I was a single mom who couldn’t support the family would that have been better? Oh, and are you drinking right now because your text tell me yes. You said you wouldn’t lie to me anymore but… so believing your lies and living my life scared to death on so many levels makes me the only problem. If you want to hear more about your dad’s accusations that you now have forgotten, call him. I am sure he will reinforce the crazy. And when you go visit, he gets drunk and passes out on the couch and tell his daughter she is a fucking bitch, please don’t call me in the middle of the night for an emergency flight home. Just remember you have decided to buy all the BS and cut out the one person who has always been there. Not always physically but damn sure you never hesitated to lie and take advantage. Apparently because I believed you, that is also my fault. Your not trusting anyone is also my fault but that’s confusing because you have always trusted I would help. So how did I cause that? Even your “friends” called to warn me but I kept trying to trust you. I wanted to believe you. So here we are… I can’t fight for myself because you won’t listen. If you don’t like what I am feeling or saying you just scream and cut me out. I guess that Christmas present with the pictures and words I held so dear was just BS. Fine. I will respect that and you won’t hear from me if that’s what you want. If you want to have an honest conversation about how you feel and how I feel, I’m open but only in therapy because I will no longer take the abuse and the blame for everything that has gone wrong in your life. Play the victim. Use that to justify your life. I will always love you and I will always worry about you and I will always hope you find answers to you health and depression and anxiety. I want you to have a life you deserve. I want you to find peace but I will no longer take all the blame or the continued abuse. And yes, you are abusive. Still guessing you are drinking and if I sent a wellness check, my guess is the police would tell me the same. Just as they have in the past. I will always love you 🐣. I will always hope you will cross your arms and squeeze knowing I love you but I am done too. Not because I’m a shitty mom, because you are being so unfair and want nothing to do with me. Talk to your dad, buy the narrative, move on and walk away. I can’t stop you. I will send you a chunk of money to get through August. Spend it how you like but when it runs out, understand this is the last time. We will cover rent until the lease ends but this is the last time. Hate me for being able to help but at the same time, thank god I was able. Stay well 🐣
I feel like I can’t trust anyone and I’m so sad and confused and lonely. She is being so manipulative and fake and passive and BITCHY. I have many many more. Does this seem like narcissistic behavior? Her behavior as I was growing up highly suggests it l, as well. But these texts sent me spinning.