u/Flimsy_Road_9346

This is an update to:

Update: Ex left me 4 years ago for an arranged marriage. Her family are now trying to get in contact with me.

This will probably be the final update, as I think it’s finished now.

I took a train to meet her at a halfway point between our homes. We agreed to meet in a cafe and have something to eat and a chat. When I got there, I saw Tariq first. He was nice to me and said he was going to sit here discretely to watch to see if Jayma was OK. I just laughed and said he should have put some effort into a disguise. We caught up a bit and he told me about his wife and baby boy and what he was up to in life. He seems happy and to be doing well. He’s been welcomed into his wife’s family and isn’t really interested in reconciling with his dad but misses his mum. He asked that I go easy on Jayma and I agreed. When she came into the cafe she came and sat with us. She told Tariq he could leave and that she’d text him when we were finished. She said that she’d watched me come in and watched me sitting with Tariq so she knew nothing bad was going to happen as she could tell I wasn’t angry. I mean, I was never a mean or aggressive or particularly angry when I was with her, but whatever.

My first impression was that she wasn’t the same person I had loved. She didn’t have that liveliness behind her eyes anymore. She was still pretty, but she’d lost her spark. She looked tired, sad and a little bit afraid of me. Her body language was very closed off.

Anyway, we had some idle chit-chat and then she told me her story. I’m not going to go into details, because it’s not my story to tell. She said she was scared that me and her would end up dead so she went through with the marriage. Essentially, the marriage was very unpleasant and she was mistreated by her husband and her husband’s family. After a few months she was able to get in contact with Tariq, who worked with a charity for women who had been trafficked from Britain to Pakistan and, after being there for 7 months, she was able to escape to Britain. She went to live with Tariq. After being home for a few months she looked into getting in contact with me and saw I was in a relationship with someone else so decided to let sleeping dogs lie. She kind of stalked my profiles recently and saw I was single and wanted to explain things to me. I felt I was just letting her ease her conscience or get things off her chest. I mean, it sounded traumatic and life-changing what she went through. I didn’t feel me criticising her would help her or me, nor would it change anything. She’s suffered enough. I let her speak and I listened to what she had to say. I felt really bad for her and wouldn’t wish that on anyone. She said she just didn’t want me to think her a terrible person. I told her I didn’t and that I wasn’t angry and didn’t hate her. I told her I was very hurt at the time, but there wasn’t much to be done about that now and I got over it.

She admitted that when Ahmed was texting me asking about her, that it was her who had written the messages. Eventually he took the phone off her (wrestled was the word she used), saying she was only making it worse. Eek. Poor guy keeps being a go between! She asked about my life, my family and seemed interested in what I’m doing in London. She asked about our old friends and I caught her up on some. Then I remembered her dad had sent me her old phone, so I gave it to her (still in the Faraday pouch). She was really happy and thanked me. She told me she had no interest in being in contact with Patriarch again and didn’t think she’d be around when Mama met with Tariq. She said they were both just as guilty in pressuring/threatening her and that she was done with them. She hadn’t spoken to them since the wedding. We had a pleasant conversation that basically came to its natural conclusion . I didn’t feel like she was the same person anymore. I admit I was a bit guarded, but she was even more so. We didn’t run into each other’s arms. Instead it was like catching up with an old friend who’d seen some shit! We said our goodbyes and she texted me that it was great seeing me again when she got home. I went straight to bed when I got home and had a long sleep. On Sunday, I went out with my housemates and enjoyed the weather when it wasn't raining in beer gardens.

So that’s it. I think we’ve both done what we needed to do. I don’t think I know her anymore and I hope I was able to give her some peace and she knows she can be in contact with our old friends without me being weird about it. I’m sure I’ll see her at a party again in the future, as we had a lot of mutual friends, but I think that chapter of both of our lives is closed now. I hope she finds peace and whatever else she is looking for.

I don’t feel any better or worse than I did before her brother contracted me, to be honest. Sorry, it’s not something more exciting or has a big resolution or a rekindling of our love or even a fight, but that’s life. My dad said to get used to it and that things go unresolved for whole lifetimes and that closure is just us wanting life to make more sense. Life is messy and very rarely fits any sort of narrative structure. I’m glad I met up with her, though. I loved her once and she loved me, so it was worth it, even if I didn’t get the sense of closure I wanted.

Edit: That was weird. Having written all that, she just texted me. She’s invited me to her Minecraft server and sent me the URL. I said I’d go on tonight after I’ve eaten. We used to play together before and I haven’t played it since we broke up so it’ll be nice to install and see what’s changed. I’m honestly surprised I heard from her!

If anyone remembers my post from last week (Ex left me 4 years ago for an arranged marriage. Her family are now trying to get in contact with me), here is what I decided to do..

I listened to what was written on my post. Sorry for not responding to everyone - I am so grateful for the support. A comment /u/Material-Priority-66 made me examine what I would lose from getting in touch with them. I’d rather deal with this now then find out a truth in 50 years that might change things. I phoned the mobile number her father had given me. When I called, Jayma’s mother (let’s call her Mama Awesomefood) picked up and was really nice to me, asking how I was and inviting me over for dinner next time I’m in Leicester. She knows how much I loved her cooking - all Jayma’s friends did. Anyway, she passed me to the Patriarch of the family. His voice was not as level and calm as it usually was, he was shaky, which is unusual for him. He apologised for what he’d said to his sons and daughter about me, westerners and infidels. He said that things in his life had changed and he’d realised he’d been judgemental and should have been a better man and that judgement should be reserved for God. He said that his dogmatism had caused suffering to those he loved and he wanted to fix what he had broken. I was shocked. He wasn’t a very expressive man before and he seemed genuinely remorseful, not just about what happened with me and Jayma, but some of his behaviour generally. He asked if I could ever forgive him and Jayma for what transpired. I said that I forgive them and thanked him for calling me and I was glad he knew I wasn’t evil. I felt good and that I was getting some closure to that unpleasant chapter of my life, albeit 4 years later than I would have liked. I felt a weight had been lifted from my chest, which I hadn’t noticed was there. As I started to move to end the conversation, he said he wasn’t finished.

Here is what I learned:

Partriarch and Mama didn’t hear from Jayma for the first few months after they returned home from the wedding, despite trying to call and writing to her husband’s family. They were a little worried, but thought she was caught up in a her new life and marriage.

Meanwhile, her other brother (Tariq) had got engaged to a white British woman without discussing it with his parents. He’d been seeing her for a few of years, secretly. This caused a huge blowup between Tariq and Patriarch. Patriarch was more threatening and aggressive than usual with his son and threatened to cut him out of the family, and in the heat of the moment, kill him for bringing dishonour to his family. Tariq basically renounced Islam , informed the police of the threats, and walked away from the family. He was the oldest of the siblings and already independent and doing well in his career so was happy to be cut off. As Patriarch had texted these threats, he received a visit from the police and word got around what had happened. He got quite a bollocking off his Imam, too and the mosque was investigated by the police as this wasn’t the first time a member of their congregation(?) had been a bit extreme. I’m only glossing over this, it was a massive clusterfuck, apparently.

Patriarch said he had regretted it and was angry that his kids weren’t good muslims and were becoming westernised. I asked him what he expected bringing kids up in the west and why he hadn’t gone to Pakistan if it was so great. He conceded I had a point and that Mama Awesomefood had already made that point to him, but the story doesn’t end.

About a year and a half after Jayma’s wedding, they hadn’t heard from her. They had tried to contact the groom’s family in Pakistan but got nowhere. They contacted the Foreign Office for help but the Foreign Office wouldn’t engage with them. Someone who was still in touch with Tariq noticed that Jayma was at his wedding photos and was back in the UK. Her husband was not with her in the photos. They got hold of the photos and Jayma looked older, gaunt and ill. As both parents had been told not to contact Tariq and his wife anymore they had to go through Ahmed (the brother who moved to London) to find out what had happened. Tariq told Ahmed he was done with the third world bullshit and if he tried to act as a middleman for his parents he’d be cut off too. Ahmed learned that Jayma was living with Tariq and his wife, so that was some relief. They had feared the worst.

A year after this, they learned that Tariq and his wife had had a baby through their social media spies. Mama Awesomefood got very upset with Patriarch and said that if he didn’t make things right, she was done with him. She went as far to speak with the Imam. Apparently divorce is easier in Islam than in traditional Christianity! Anyway, Patriarch got Ahmed to give Tariq a letter in which he was very apologetic and offered to make things right with him, his wife and Jayma. To his surprise, Tariq agreed to meet Patriarch and Mama.

In their meeting, Tariq said that if Mama wanted a chance at meeting their grandchild, they needed fix things. He said that Patriarch wasn’t going to allowed near his baby anytime soon. He had a list of things that his parents needed to do, one of which was to give Jayma back the life he had stolen from her. Patriarch goes on to tell me that he had threatened Jayma to go through with the wedding that he had arranged years ago. I asked to know how and he started floundering. Mama, as it transpires, had been listening to the call the whole time and started yelling at him to tell the truth. He told me he had threatened to kill the both of us. So called “Honour Killings” are not unheard of in our home town, and are usually for this exact reason. There had even been one done by members of the same mosque 10 years ago. I was shocked and said, “OK, so why are you telling me this?”

When Jayma got back to the UK she was going to contact me, but saw through a mutual friend’s socials that I was in a relationship. Time passes and after learning I was not in a relationship and living in London she asked Ahmed if I would give her a chance to apologise and explain herself, as he was also living in London. She wanted Patriarch to tell me the truth but also her other friends. Before the marriage, he had taken her phone and dumped all of her non-Muslim friends via text. Her old number was still with that phone, which he had. At least she dumped me to my face, so there is that, I suppose. Anyway, Ahmed had said that I was not very receptive to hearing her out. To be honest, after all this, I think the man’s sick of being a middleman.

Patriarch and Mama wanted me to meet with Jayma, hear her out and to give her back her old phone. I was taken aback and asked if he’d kill me if I said no. He sounded ashamed and said he never would have gone through with it.

I agreed to take the phone to Jayma and agreed to hear her out. He’s going to post it to me this week. I called Tariq and said that I would like to talk to Jayma and to give her back her phone. I know people are going to be calling me stupid, but honestly, Patriarch reminded me of my own uncle on my dad’s side. He hasn’t gone down the ISIS route but down the conspiratorial QAnon route and is similar to Patrarch in a lot of ways. He’s isolated his daughters because of the ridiculous things he parrots that he read of the internet. They both have radicalised themselves with mad beliefs. One thinks that Jews control the world, that women have too many rights, that the western elites are satanists and that the west is degrading into evil decadence… and the other is a Muslim (thank you, I’m here all week).

Anyway, I’ve got a text back from Jayma. She wants to meet up somewhere halfway between where we both live. She lives in a town an hour and a half from where I in London. We’re meeting on Saturday. I’m hoping this gives us both the closure to whatever we had because I feel like I’ve been living in its shadow since I was 24.

Any advice on what to say? If this was 2 years ago, I would have laid into her but now I just feel numb.