Disorganised attachment
Me [20F] and my partner [20M].
Basically, I met this guy and I really liked him. We instantly started liking each other and things were very intense from the beginning. He had a lot going on — he was new to the country, working, and supporting his family. I helped him a lot with things like college rides, and I stayed through his worst when he didn’t even have any friends. I was convinced I was in love with him.
Because he was emotionally unavailable at the time, I did everything for him and felt so strongly about him that it felt like he was my first love. We lasted 3 months before he slowly started pulling away, and then things became on and off for a while until he finally explained that he had lost feelings.
I was deeply hurt. I kept thinking, “How is this possible? He liked me a lot.” I’ve always had guys to talk to and stuff, but for a whole year I couldn’t talk to anyone else and I just couldn’t move on. I wanted to heal properly, but it was extremely hard since he was also genuinely a good person and very different from the other guys I’ve met.
Now, a year later, he came back. That’s all I ever wanted. I thought about him every second of the day. I was scared I’d never fully love someone else the way I loved him.
Initially, I was happy. He apologized, took accountability, and admitted that he had suppressed his feelings because he had a lot going on and wasn’t emotionally available. He also didn’t talk to anyone else during that whole year either.
I decided to give him another chance, but then I became very anxious. I would want closeness and then suddenly distance, only because I didn’t trust it. I’m still with him, but my mind constantly jumps to worst-case scenarios. I try to find every little thing that could go wrong. If we fight or I get triggered, I immediately want distance.
I’ve also noticed that even though I know I like him, I don’t feel the same intensity anymore, which is crazy because I don’t really understand why. He’s been doing everything right for a long time now. He’s patient when I fight for no reason, he reassures me, updates me, and he’s extremely loyal. Now that I’m starting to see that he genuinely likes me, doesn’t want to lose me, and truly sees me for who I am — someone who helps everyone around her, stayed with him through his worst, and cares deeply — I still feel weird.
I keep questioning: do I even like him? Will this work? Why don’t I feel the same intensity anymore? I’m honestly just tired of feeling this way.
I’m also aware that I have a disorganized attachment style. I just don’t know how to fix it. I don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want to leave him, but I also don’t know if he’s right for me. I’m scared I’ll sabotage something good because of my fears. What do I do in this situation because I do want this to work.