u/FluffyEye666

disgusting tim hortons colab at sait right now. supporting terf jkr

Not even talking about a unique situation here. I’m noticing this is a pattern I’ve fallen into in my adult relationships. I’m starting to come to a “revelation,” but it might not be right? I’m starting to believe that showing up a few times magnificently does not give you a hall pass for being a mid or outgrown friend most of the time. How have you managed relationships where 90% of the time is not working, but the 10% is pure gold?

Not necessary reading. Examples:
I’m 32f and I lost my father over a year ago. That, among other things, have been really unrelatable for most of my peers, so when people basically do anything to acknowledge it, I feel really cared for. On the anniversary of his death, Friend A sent me a bunch of gifs. Pretty out of the blue, since we don’t talk daily and I hadn’t reminded her. But most often than not, she leaves me on read (“sorry I thought I replied to this” days later), even when we’re making plans to hang out. I’ll get a message like “can we get together?” on a Friday, will reply right away with a suggestion, and won’t hear back til Monday …. She does this to everyone. She didn’t come to my birthday at 2 in the afternoon because she had evening plans and failed to read the invite properly (I sent it to four people. It was not buried!). She said she was “on her way” to a friends virtual party and just never signed on. Literally will forget the day of the week if I don’t manage her. But I think about how sweet that was that she remembered all on her own my dad’s anniversary.

Friend B and I have been friends for more than 10 years now. I recognize time plays a big factor in our relationship. I’ve had a lot of sadness in my adult life that I think she finds difficult to access emotionally. It makes our hang-outs feel disappointing and hollow. A lot of talk about work, which makes sense based on where we were in our lives when we met. Also my cat got a cancer diagnosis the other week and she’s never really asked me how I’m doing (to her credit, she asks about the cat, which I suppose is an invitation if I were not a person who feels she needs very specific invitations). But when my dad was sick, she literally left work to come and pick me up from my office just because I told her I was having a hard day and wanted to go home. That’s the spectacular kindness I never forget.

I have my flaws and I don’t just blame A and B for things. I’ve changed. I can be evasive if not asked directly. I control conversations by asking a lot of questions of my peers. I don’t initiate a lot of hang outs. I’m not trying to say I’m perfect, or that others wouldn’t gripe about me. But I’m starting to think my claws are deep in somethings I’m ready to get go of. And I just don’t know how because I’m clinging to these meaningful moments.