Cannot tell if these are signs of abuse or just communication issues
** please tell me if I’m in the wrong, I want brutally honest advice. ** F24 dating M23 for 6 months. Overall he’s a kind and wonderful person and makes me feel loved and cared for. My main issues are with him saying things that bring me down (and how he focuses too much on looks) and he doesn’t like hard conversations/dismisses me and gets annoyed when I bring up something that hurt me.
Two days ago I finally made him sit down and have a long talk about the things that were starting to build up in our relationship. It was productive, and I feel like I learned a lot about him. He did say he likes it better when I warn him a couple days in advance if we’re gonna have a talk like this he wants it all knocked out in one go. I didn’t love that- I really value healthy conversations and I am a curious and empathetic person. In my dream world I could discuss stuff like this with him more frequently and we could learn more about how each other thinks through it. But whatever, I decided he’s just different than me and conceded that point.
One of the things I brought up was how he talks about my appearance and makes little comments or observations. I told him that, especially as a girl, it builds up overtime and makes me focus too much on my appearance. it has made me very insecure. Also if he says anything about weight or food. I thought I got through to him, but that night when we were going to get ice cream after dinner he made a comment about how I’d eat it and then complain after and binge eat??? (what the hell???). We were a little drunk so I just chalked it up to him making a dumb joke that didn’t land but I told him in the moment that was not okay and he agreed and realized he messed up.
Yesterday I invited him over to cook for him. I spent hours making this meal. I went to plate it and he went on about how it doesn’t make sense that there’s so much food on my plate because he’s double the size of me, I shouldn’t be eating portions like him. (Mine was smaller?)
That really set me off. I told him yesterday his comment before ice cream made me not want to eat and enjoy the ice cream anymore. I just spent hours making this meal and I knew now I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it. I started to cry and said “you ruin everything”. I recognize I shouldn’t have said that BUT he went from hugging me and saying sorry to flipping a switch.
He rose his voice and for 2 minutes went off about how I’m so insecure and he can’t say anything in this relationship.
I recognize it’s a bit sensitive for me to respond this way to him making a comment about how much food I’m eating but I had told him in our convo yesterday that I didn’t like that and told him that he spoiled my ice cream yesterday. So I was just so hurt. He’s not my fitness coach?
I think what scares me the most is I’ve started to notice a pattern. I get hurt, in my hurt I say something I probably shouldn’t. He feels disrespected, and completely loses empathy for the person he says he loves who is crying in front of him. He blows up about the small thing I said and turns my hurt back on me. Is this DARVA? Or do you think he is just getting frustrated that I’m too sensitive?? This is my first relationship I’m a bit confused