I’m angrier and meaner now
I’ve been sober for 110 days (yes, Father’s Day. I’m a stereotype I know.) At my worst I was drinking a 750 nearly everyday. I got sober because the people i loved most in life were fed up with me and didn’t like my temper when I was drunk. Granted, it was a pretty nasty temper.
I’ve always been very outgoing and friendly, especially for an introvert. I’m on the spectrum and I am great at masking! I became quite the little social butterfly while I was drinking too. Made it easier. Felt like I belonged in the room instead of just sitting there analyzing it.
So, I figured that after a few months of sobriety, I’d be my happy, bubbly, sweet lil self again and all would be good.
Fast forward to today, I laid in my bed for almost a month sweating, swearing, and sulking, came out the other side. Didn’t die of withdrawal! Yay! I’m ready to interact with people again!
Since sobriety, I find I have little patience for just about anyone, or anything. Someone asking a harmless question because they don’t know something? Belittle them. Someone happy about something that doesn’t involve me? Bring them down. I notice it happen, I fucking hate it, and I feel like I’m not in control of it. I would go on weird rants and stuff while drunk, but those were like weird, typical, drunk psychosis rants. This is like, I’m being actually mean and I don’t know how to stop it. It’s not the same as “the temper” I had when I was drinking, those would come and pass quickly and neatly, this is like a constant shadow and it slips out unexpectedly.
I made a grown woman cry in the grocery store a couple weeks ago and felt so fucking horrible I apologized and offered to buy her groceries (she was only getting some soap and some milk) and she thought I was mocking her further. I didn’t used to be mean like this.
I have had a very, very rough life. My upbringing was fucking hell and I immediately shackled myself to a ten year long relationship with a man who didn’t even like me at all and who I honestly didn’t like either straight out of high school. I know WHY I have all this negativity, I know WHERE it comes from, I don’t know how to control it.
I’m trying therapy. It’s “helping” in the sense that it’s making me more immediately aware of it when it’s coming/happening, but I still can’t catch my mouth/fingers before it comes out. I don’t want to be mean anymore…
Idk what I’m even looking for here, I guess just a place to rant in front of people who might know what I’m talking about.
TLDR: I’m a lot shorter and meaner now that I’m sober and I don’t know how to fix it/if it’s fixable.