r/SoberAndHateIt

Let me start off by saying I have an addictive personality, I’ve managed to quit cocaine, Xanax, klonopins, weed, Adderall cold turkey. Eventually I found out about Kratom through a friend and tried it and lo and behold I liked it. It wasn’t bad at first, I’d have it occasionally of course. But as life kept going I found myself relying more and more on it to get by. But back to my addictive habits, I lost my fiancé I lost my job I lost my way all because of drugs. And that’s when my Kratom habit started to spiral, I became truly engrossed in it and took tablespoons of it everyday for maybe 5 years.it helped me with my anxiety, it helped me get up and face the day, it even helped me go to the gym and I’ve actually put on a good amount of muscle mass because of it. and helped me socialize and work ( I have an anxiety disorder )
I swore by this, I told everyone it’s not bad for you I said it helps with anxiety and depression and even gives you the energy to get through a tough work day. Fast forward to today and I’m 3 days clean and I’ve been having a hell of a time, the only thing I can compare it too is my cocaine withdrawal. All this just to say, we can kick it, just thinking about it, I’ve managed to quit every substance I ever took CT and it’s encouraging knowing that this is the last thing I have to let go of. If anyone is going through what I’m going through, please remember the best days are ahead, even though I hate how I feel and can’t even get to the gym, I know for a fact that I will be better off of this. I don’t hate Kratom, on the contrary it’s been a life saver however everything in moderation. The moment you start abusing it daily and can’t even go a couple hours without it, it’s better to realize you might be going too far with it. If kratom is our worst battle, let us count our blessings it isn’t anything worse. You got this, I got this, put down the powder or the 7 and think of your future. A better person will come from this I promise.

I currently plan on smoking meth again the second I go back to being drug tested once a month instead of twice a month and get out of this god forsaken program that drug tests me on average an additional 2-3 times per month. Realistically I know something is just under my skin today I think I could feel it across miles when the golf cart in the garage was moved and that is around the time I got like this. I am ready to get rid of this, I am done with it, the only reason I am not smoking meth right this second is because I hope to be sober when my husband gets out of jail or at least not in prison. Everyone tells me that's a bad reason. I know it is but it's the only one I have so fuck you. I have tried to find a different one. I can't. Nothing else matters to me. I don't know what I will do if he gets a long sentence. Actually I do: smoke meth again. I cannot fathom any other reason to not smoke meth other than to have a chance in hell of being with him without having to watch him smoke it and what it does to him. Alcohol has no hold on me because I've seen those demons. I have not seen myself become a fucking monster with meth yet and it will probably have a hold on me for as long as I have not seen myself get that way because of it. Fuck this mental clarity I want to get my hands on ny fucking drug I can to make it go away. I would fucking huff nitrous oxide right now if I still had the whole ass whip cream dispenser (lmfao) I got in sober living and some chargers. Actually yk what I know what started this spiral it started when my friend fucking asked me if I could piss clean for her methhead bf who has a drug test soon and can't stop smoking even three goddamn days beforehand. Like have you not listened to a goddamn word about how guilty I feel for enabling my husband to destroy himself? Not a single word? No, I am not pissing for your bf. Thank you for fucking up my whole goddamn day. Still like her but man fuck that question and fuck her fucking bf for having her ask me. Fucking ask me to piss clean for you after telling me you would smoke with me of I asked since your gf said you couldn't give me any bc I was sober but didn't say anything about not smoking it with me. I was about a week or two sober then. Now 2 months. Nerve of that son of a bitch. I ought to tell her he said that shit but I won't they don't need more drama between themselves than they have already. Fuck this fucking sober bullshit, fuck my po, fuck my stupid program I have to go lie at everyweek, and fuck everyone who gives a shit whether or not I am sober, it's all just a means of control. Surrounded by total control freaks and fucking weirdos.

My wife relapsed a while ago and tore our lives apart. She’s been sober for a while now but I feel like I’m still that part that reminds her of what she did when she was going through her relapse. It’s been two years and I haven’t seen here. I think she’s sober I’m pretty sure she has been but she’s still been trying to pretend I never happened. We fought a lot and most of it was me thinking she didn’t take her sobriety seriously. She treated it like a thing she went through instead of something to try to make a change. I think she remembers the fights but not her fighting me and me trying to be there. I don’t know how to approach any of this. When it came to her amends I remember her telling me about everyone she had in mind but not me. When that step came and went she just ignored me. It feels like every time she hit me every time she hurt me every time she ruined our life didnt mean anything to her like it was too hard for her to face and if it didn’t mean anything then maybe she never cared. She told me her life would be better if I just killed myself when I asked to go to aa with her so I could understand. That really fucked me up and I never told anyone because I never wanted anyone to see that in her. I truly believe that’s not her just her addiction and she’s not that person. What am I supposed to do in this situation.

What’s a recovery phrase that makes you quietly want to throw something?