Would you stay in a sexless marriage with a spouse who keeps hiding his THC use?
I'm looking for outside opinions because I honestly don't know if I'm being too patient or if I'm ignoring obvious red flags.
My husband and I have been together for 10 years.
He has been using THC since he was a teenager, he would finish a THC vape every 1–2 days. I wasn't always completely against marijuana. At first, I thought I could accept it if he used it in moderation, and I even tried it with him for a while. But he has never been able to control it. If he has access to marijuana, he'll use it all day every day.
I've always thought he used marijuana because he was naturally an anxious person, and it seemed to help him relax. But after watching him stay off it for a while, I'm no longer sure that's true. He actually didn't seem nearly as anxious once he is sober for a while. Most of his anxiety seemed to happen between periods of using. Even though he disagrees. Now I honestly don't know whether he's using marijuana because he's anxious, or whether the marijuana itself is contributing to the anxiety. I suspect his marijuana use is harming his mental health.
In the past, he also struggled with other drugs, although he has since quit those, and no relapse. Marijuana is the only substance he hasn't been able to fully quit. We've had countless arguments about this, and I've nearly left several times because he repeatedly promised to quit or cut back but never followed through.
For the past 7 years, our relationship has been completely sexless. At first, I really struggled. But over time, I came to accept that this might simply be part of who he is. It was painful, and I felt like I was giving up an important part of my own needs, but I was willing to adjust my expectations if it meant he could be comfortable and happy.
This year, because of our age, we really needed to start trying for a baby. Even then, we still couldn't have sex. He has essentially no sexual desire at all. Even with ED medication, he can physically get an erection, but still has no interest in sex. He is not gay, and he has had normal sex life but all short lived.
Because sex isn't possible, we've been trying to conceive at home using home insemination, but so far we haven't been successful.
He promised he would stop using marijuana before pregnancy and after the baby was born, but he keeps hiding it. Sometimes it's obvious he's high, but he denies it unless I catch him actively using. I’m now having a very hard time to trust him.
The reason I'm conflicted is that he has made real changes in other areas. He quit harder drugs, gave up many unhealthy habits, we supposed each other through hardship and now our life is otherwise stable. He is lazy but I can deal with it. We both have stable careers, are financially secure, and function well day to day.
But I can't shake the feeling that I'm building a future with someone who may be a ticking time bomb. I don't know how THC will affect my life once we have a child, and I don't know if our sexless marriage will be an issue that I’m not realizing it.
Am I expecting too much, or am I ignoring serious red flags?