I am a high-Functioning, camouflaging Autistic man in my early 30s and I am experiencing a loneliness I thought was impossible.
Most people would never guess I have autism, even after knowing me for years. I used to be proud of this fact but now I realise how much I have damaged myself.
I do a lot of conscious and subconscious camouflaging that I think has prevented me from being emotionally vulnerable or emotionally available. My connections with people are very surface-level. I have friends but I don't feel particularly close to them. I go on dates with women sometimes but things rarely get past the third date.
I'm in a period of my life now where I just feel extremely touch-starved and partnerless. Before, the interactions with my family could stave off this loneliness but not anymore. A huge compounding factor is that the lonelier I get, the more tired I get; this tiredness then prevents me from going outside and keeps me in bed.
I'm stuck. I've tried a few medications and I go to counselling once every two weeks but none of it seems to be able to tackle any of problems in a substantial way. I got diagnosed, also, with ADHD a few months ago but the stimulant meds haven't helped with my tiredness. I just never thought I'd get to a level of loneliness that would actually make me feel so tired all the time. It's like there's no reason to strive for anything or to put effort into anything anymore. And what's worse, the older I get, the more hopeless I become.