The next stage
Hi - I’ve been a member of the sub for quite a long time and I’ve always felt very inspired by other people stories. I realise that I should probably also contribute something maybe for the wider community but also for myself.
I started my smoking journey when I was 15 years old and I smoked my first joint and coughed up everywhere and didn’t touch the stuff for another year after that. It was until I was out with a friend and I have my first proper joint and it was incredible.
I suffered from depression and PTSD for many years and wasn’t diagnosed properly until I was about 20 but weed was something that got me through most of the nasty PTSD flashbacks I would have from some stuff that happened when I was younger - as well as make me feel sort of safe and get such a rush. I smoked very much to cope with a troubled upbringing. Having ADHD did not help.
After getting help for the PTSD and depression, I stopped smoking, I woke up one morning after not having a joint every night before bed for the first time in 3 months and flushed it all down the toilet. I was 21.
My smoking has never been super severe as that sense but often when I do smoke it in causes me dissociation and paranoia and a lot of anxiety. I always think it’s going to be good and it ends up never being good.
When I turned 22, I met the love of my life. My first serious relationship and she smoked weed. About a year into a relationship she said she wanted to quit too and how much she struggled. I said I would support her in anyway that I can. 4 years down the line though. And 3 years of living with each other. I didn’t realise there was how much smoking she was doing and how much that it would affect me. How much it would tempt me to smoke again and how much it caused me to smoke again because of weed being in my environment 24/7.
I also couldn’t take responsibility for my own relationship with weed. And I ended up smoking so much more - it resulted in me starting to have psychosis. Luckily I managed to stop smoking before it became full on. (I genuinely thought the world was a simulation)
I felt so conflicted because the relationship is now over and we mutually ended it but smoking became such a big problem. It made me realise that I actually haven’t gotten over this in the way that I thought I had. I’ve been blaming myself for the relationship not working because my request and not have weed around the house was too much for her. But at the end of the day it was also too much for me. We had been engaged. And we were living together at my parents place to save money on rent.
One of the things that made me realise that my own problems I have with weed are worse than I thought is because in January she wanted to move out and because London rent is so expensive, she wanted to move in with a mate of hers who smokes every day and have us share the house with her.
This sucked, I knew this would be really bad for me - I asked her why she wanted to move out so badly? She didn’t feel like she had her own space which I also felt but she said that one of the main reasons she wanted to move out was so she could smoke weed again more regularly (my parents don’t approve which is flawed logic but anyway). I asked would she wait 2/3 months or could we move in with someone else, the answer was no.
It’s a really confusing thing to have someone, that you thought you were gonna marry say to you.
So a few months after she moved out, we ended things. And I realised that my own issues with weed still have a long way to go even though I haven’t smoked since we stopped seeing each other and I feel much better. She’s doing well and we’ve spoken since, she is on her own journey and I respect that.
I still feel like there’s a lot I can still work on for myself even though I’m on the journey of sobriety - I still get cravings and struggle to be around it without smoking it. I would love to get to a place where I could’ve stayed with her and weed not have been such an issue for me.
I see a lot of you posting your struggles and your successes, thank you so much for sharing. It’s really helped me along my journey and thanks for listening to my own.