How do I deal with my suicidal commands? (Ramble post)
Hi everyone, this is my first post here! I would like to preface many things so it doesn’t get confusing later on. I don’t have BPD. I’m diagnosed with “Depressive Personality Disorder” which is technically an outdated diagnostic term, but many psychiatrists still use it to this day. Simply put, the way my mind interprets everything is always in a negative way, all the time. In the past I’ve been diagnosed with a lot of things, which is sorta true cause I do have many of their symptoms. Including OCD, anxiety, depression (duh), and BPD characteristics, but not tendencies so I don’t usually act out stuff. Anyways, this was just a simple overview of who and what I am, so it would be a lot easier to understand.
Since I was thirteen, I’ve had suicidal thoughts. It comes up to me, all the time. It’s gotten better and worse in many ways throughout the years. When I was 19, these thoughts somehow got worse. Instead of thinking about “killing myself.” They come to my mind in the form of commands telling me to “Go Kill Yourself.” Which was bizarre back then since it never had been this intense or delivered in that way. I usually ignored it (like I always did), but I did think intently about it for a while back then, pondering how and when it got this intense, and how do I shush it or go back to before when it didn’t come in command form. So it did play a bit on my mental health. It took a while to get through the change and intensity but it’s alright now. Since then I’ve just been treating it as background noise. Whenever it comes up to my mind I tend to ignore it and not think about it that much about it. I’m 21 rn btw
Now the main issue; When I experience any stress and pressure and I’m on the verge of a meltdown; Whether it be for anything in my life atm. The command comes backkk. And somehow just makes me breakdown all together! The last straw for me and the knocking point that pushes me off the edge to a meltdown. It gets louder and more clear then. I obviously don’t follow it and never will, but it’s gotten to a point where it annoys me. I’m tired of thinking like this. I’m tired of this stupid command that plays in my head. I’m tired of having to ignore it all the time. I want it to go away. I’m done feeling suicidal, it’s taken up a very huge space in my life. I want to move on. But how? When every inconvenience or minor bad memory (eg, remembering embarrassing moments in the past) trigger it. It’s strange. I hate it. Does anyone else experience something, at the very least, remotely similar to this? If you do, please give me suggestions and what works for you. I would like to try different ways and methods to make it better. I’m done with this…