Grief, guilt, and feeling unworthy
I see some common threads in women who've taken this path. There are the women who held out for a partner as long as they felt they could, and grieved that before taking Plan B. There are the women (including those who are ace, aro, or both) for whom this was plan A, and they've been rowing up their ducks from an early age.
I don't fit into either of those categories, and it's making me question whether I'm allowed to want this.
I (39F, nearly 40) identify as ace now, although I didn't know that was a thing until I was 33. (I also identified as aro from then until recently, but have belatedly realised that the "aro" part of my difficulties with relationships was actually avoidant attachment. Oops.)
Realising that, I now have a lot of grief over a couple of (brief) relationships with really decent guys that I ended prematurely because it felt overwhelmingly "wrong". One was an ace guy about 5 years ago. That was the relationship that led me to conclude I was aro, because even without the pressure of sex, it still felt very wrong even though he was lovely. I concluded that I was just someone who was happiest on her own, and for the last five years, haven't really given a thought to dating. (And consequently, to children, because I saw it all as part of the same package.)
I had the odd pang when I saw engagements and births happening around me, but just figured that stuff wasn't for me, and it was just societal pressure making me feel some kind of way. I focused on my work (I'm a teacher and love it); my dogs; my friends; and being an aunty to my nephews. I told myself it was enough, and really believed that for a few years.
I woke up earlier this year in a deep depression, realising that my life wasn't enough, that I was drifting and lonely. I tried to fill the gap with more social contact and more hobbies, but it didn't work. I realised I do want a partner, and I want a family of my own. I don't know how I gaslit myself for so long, but apparently suppressing difficult emotions is also a hallmark of avoidance.
I've spent the last several years telling myself and everyone who asked, that I was child free by choice. But I now realise that wasn't really true; it wasn't a choice but the way my attachment is wired, something I'm now working through in therapy. Ideally I'd have a family, with a partner AND a child. But I've left it too late, and with the additionally tiny dating pool of being ace, on top of my age, who knows if I will EVER find someone, not just now but ever. I can't believe how dumb I've been, except to say that I genuinely, truly thought I was being true to myself and my identity.
I threw myself back into dating the last few months, but came across nobody remotely compatible in either the mainstream dating apps (which have basically confirmed that I really am still ace), or the ace apps which have a tiny tiny pool in my city. As others have found, by late 30s, anyone who wants to "settle down" has basically done that.
Having a child is something that I can at least maybe have some agency over. (That said, I have a fertility appointment in two weeks, and while my AMH and FSH results I just got back weren't awful for my age, who knows if it will even work.) I know a child won't fill the space of a partner. But I want to at least love someone deeply in my life, even if it's a different kind of love. The autonomy that once felt so freeing now feels empty. I can't keep living my life as it is for the decades I have left.
So now I'm looking at "plan B" of SMBC, but I feel guilty that I haven't tried harder these past years on plan A: to find a partner and give my hypothetical child a father. OR, alternatively, that I haven't spent these years actively preparing my life to be a mother. I think I can make it work, but I could have been more prepared, frozen eggs or embryos, saved more, had time for a sibling. And if my child does suffer from the lack of a father, or ends up resenting me, or has terrible health issues, or something else, I will feel worse because I didn't just "not find the right person", I actively rejected a couple of good people who I think would have been good dads.
I'm in therapy and trying to work through it all while starting the fertility process. I'm hoping to try to bank/test/freeze any viable embryos I get and give myself 6-12 months before transfer, to make sure I'm not making a dumb decision. My trust in my own judgment is at an all time low, as I now realise I've made some really terrible judgment calls in my life (re: relationships, and also not freezing eggs when I first thought about it at 33). I also know that if I do this, ongoing therapy to work through the attachment stuff and prevent it impacting a child will be a must. I don't want to condemn someone else to what I'm going through now.
I don't know what I'm hoping for. Nobody can make this decision for me, but I'm just struggling with feeling like I've done everything wrong that I possibly could have gotten wrong. Just venting, I suppose.