PLEASE READ THIS AND HELP ME I AM FREAKING OUT PLEASE HELP ME
Im a 17 year old girl and I just started zoloft earlier today. I've suffered from depression, anxiety and various eating disorders for about eight years and recently hit my breaking point. I feel like everything I do takes 100% of my effort and I get so incredibly burnt out so easily. Like even doing things that I usually enjoy seem like climbing a mountain. I'm a very existential person and get crushingly overwhelmed for no particular reason, but I am also usually capable of feeling deep love and enjoyment. The love and enjoyment feels like its gone. I have had depressive episodes for about 8 years but they have started to get more frequent and dehabilitating.
I've been in a pretty weird one for a couple months now. Last weekend I went to a festival with my friends and saw modest mouse. This band has got me through so many hard times and I genuinely feel love for their music. I felt NOTHING watching them preform. I felt like I was pretending to be happy, even while being drunk. Drinking cant even break the clouds up for me anymore. The numbness terrified me and I broke down to my best friend and just sobbed for over an hour. I felt so empty and realized that I literally cannot keep living like this.
I thought it might just be the alchohol and I would feel better sobered up. But I went into a fucking terrible depressive episode for 3 days. I genuinely could not see another way out of this. I don't think it is normal to have such bad lows. I live a healthy, active life, an amazing childhood, loving and supportive parents, friends that constantly validate me, and no lack of a romantic life when I want it. Because of this I felt so fucking guilty about starting antidepressants. I am feeling terrible about it right now. Maybe I am just a more sensitive person? Maybe I just haven't found the right thing to channel my emotions with? Maybe I just need to go to therapy and be more greatful for my life? I dont know if this is the right choice but I need to get rid of this weight on my chest. The only way I can think of making it feel better is dying. I cannot do that to the people that love me.
Anyways. I took 25mg 5 hours ago and I am feeling EXTREMLEY anxious. Like I understand anxiety but this litterally feels like I am going to die. Is this normal? does this mean I shouldn't be taking it? I keep convincing myself that maybe I don't even need to be taking it. Maybe I'm fine and being overdramatic and just need to "toughen up". But then I remind myself about the amount of times I've canceled plans because I felt to depressed and anxious or genuinely fantasized about killing myself. Maybe I just feel this way because I'm a teenager and I just need to let it pass? But I can't go to college next year feeling this way. I'm scared that there is nothing wrong with my serotonin levels and this medication will give me serotonin syndrome and kill me. If I'm worried about it killing me then maybe that means I don't need it?
I DONT KNOW. All I know is that I do not feel stable. Should I stop taking it and see if I feel better without it? Should I just give it a try for a while? Is it normal for a mentally ill person to convince themselves their not? I really don't want to be reliant on medicatition to feel ok for the rest of my life. I'm terrified of permanently fucking my body and life up.
Edit: This is really what I need answered. If I don't need it and I take it how will I know. Can the anxiety I feel give me a heart attack? Is this safe? If my symptoms feel this extreme in the first day are they going to get worse?