I’m confused. Did he assault me or was it my fault?
I reconnected with a childhood friend after they lost their house in a fire. We had dated in middle school and were friends for a while until his drug addiction started to show.
I had just gone through a break up and reconnecting with people seemed like a great idea for some reason. All was well until he reintroduced me to drugs. I had relapsed and started doing cocaine again. Even when I didn’t want to do it he would peer pressure me.
One night I had gotten stood up by a date and he agreed to go out and comfort me in the process. We went to a bar and then to LA for a Jazz club. He offered cocaine and of course I did it. Through the night we just did more and more. We drove back to his hotel where he said we would hang out and play games on my switch. I thought nothing more because I made it clear in the week of us hanging out that I saw him as just a friend and he agreed.
At the point of being at his hotel I had been so coked up to the point of shivering. He started to try and kiss me and I kept saying we shouldn’t (trying to nicely tell him no). I felt so disgusted because to be completely frank I was not attracted to him in any way. He continued to try to kiss and make out with me and I would try to make it quick and followed it up by “I don’t think we should do this” about 5 times before he had kept touching me. It’s weird because I didn’t run, I didn’t outright say no, but I was so disgusted and didn’t know what to do… I figured if I could just go through with it fast I could get out of there. I told him just to do it. Luckily he couldn’t get hard and nothing happened. I left promptly after.
In the following weeks I allowed him to stay around. I had known him as a kid and trusted him; I had a bond with the person I thought he was. I made it clear that I didn’t want to be physical with him and I straight up told him I was not attracted to him; that he was a lazy addict without a job. (Harsh I know but our “friendship” was built on harsh truth).
He helped me move out of my apartment and he assaulted me twice. We had no choice but to sleep in one bed since my furniture was everywhere but I ADAMANTLY told him to not touch me. He still did and I just went silent both times. This time he went all the way. Again I figured if I just lay there it would be over quick. The second night I tried to make it clear again and he still tried touching me. I told him no and to turn around. He ended up falling asleep trying to touch me. I got practically no sleep that night.
I’m not sure why I kept him around. It was probably the drugs. I had been somewhat addicted to substances in high school due to another boyfriend who was an addict. I hadn’t done drugs in a longgg time but being clean doesn’t get rid of your want for them.
I’m so disgusted with myself for allowing him to touch me. I’ve been assaulted so many times; my first time was assault, I had been drugged and assaulted at a party, and even assaulted by family members. Part of me feels like I allow it because it’s become normal.
At this point I’m not even sure if it was assault. The way I tell the story sounds like a hookup I regret but there wasn’t a single moment where I wanted him to touch me.