Fear and Shame
This is a follow up to this post, I guess you could say. That was made after a sexual encounter where I started to tell myself that I wanted to stop. I've (hopefully this terminology is appropriate since "addiction," and all) relapsed twice since then.
Yesterday, I was in danger of it happening again. Was idly browsing a hookup site, then decided. "Nah, I'm done."
There was also an app I would use. Deleted that account. Deleted the app. Removed the Google Account I signed into it with from my phone to hopefully make it more inconvenient for me to go back. I'm tempted to delete that entire account to try and remove that bit of temptation from my life altogether, even if it's just what I use to log into porn sites.
On that hookup site? Said "Nah," deleted that account immediately, closed the browser.
In the moment, and the immediate aftermath of it, it's very easy for me to just decide that I'm done. Since I've done that part before.
But I'm still very scared. Both of my own weakness and the potential for me to feel tempted again, and because of however my long history of impulsiveness and recklessness might impact my future. I'm terrified. It makes me feel like a failure; like a bad person; like my life is over.
I want to live. I want to find love. I want to love and be loved. But with how my head is right now, it's incredibly tough for me to feel like that's something that'll ever happen to me because of this long shadow following me.
I want to stop. I want to keep it in my pants. I want to not hate myself. I want someone to talk to. I want to not be alone.
I don't know. This past month or so has just been very stressful. I'm trying to still live life and not get in my own head, but it happened again today. Feeling like the sky is falling.