I was going to kill myself but I saved myself without knowing it
Since a kid I've had a really really miserable life. I have never had a single real friend in my life, but I think that is literally because of me. I was born wrong, simply. Since a kid, I wasn't the very sensitive one who always wanted friendship. I was the one who just did reckless shit, for no reason, didn't care about a single thing in the world and it's the only time I felt happy. Not just didn't care, I mean I literally didn't care about anyone. Which later on when I matured caused me to be really depressed from a lack of friends and proper connection.
Anyways, I'm 15. I have been struggling with severe depression and PTSD from mental trauma from my mom. I have always just really longed for romantic love with someone, true connection. But I never got that connection. For years. Which on top of severely depressed made me develop a lot of antisocial traits. I'am not diagnosed with conduct disorder so I will not be elaborating on this. But the lack of guilt, everything, and on top of pretty severe depression made me a miserable person. Go to school, do random shit and get more people not to like me, go back home, play games, have violent and sad thoughts or impulses and sleep. Repeat. No real friendship, nothing.
Then, I got a friendship. A "true" friendship. I had a friend which actually meant something to me. But I remember that I always no matter what kept my guard up around him like my instinct was telling me to get away from him but I kept pulling back even when he manipulated me. The thing is I realized when he manipulated me, played along with it and did as much as possible to make his manipulation useless. Well. I don't wanna go long with this but when I thought the friendship was getting real he started spreading rumors about me and ditched me for a larger friend group without really any reason. This pretty much made me lose faith in people as a whole and develop further antisocial tendencies which I'am not proud of and genuinely do not ever want to be an antisocial person, but you really can't control yourself when you lack the emotion of guilt for 90% of things you do. The friendship ended up being an absolute fucking mess and I regret being manipulated by him in that way. But I did crave some of the connection I felt even if it was slight.
A lot of things happened, my life stayed the same, mental state got worse. I learned to shield negative emotions away. Cover myself up under a mask and act completely happy, charismatic to others. I gained back school friends but had no genuine interest in going out with anyone. Almost everyone in my school likes me now and I'm not exaggerating, and at most some people are just annoyed, nobody really "hates" me.
Well. Four days ago was the day that changed it. Out of simple boredom I started speaking with a girl. I was just looking for simple stimulation and anything to keep me from going into a boredom overload. We were taking exams in our school and I spoke to her. She ended up being really talkative and on the first day she trauma dumped to me about most of the things in her life. We became friends but I didn't think much of it, thought of it as a occasional friendship. Then when we were right next to my house (We are NEIGHBOURS. I didn't even remember it because I didn't pay attention until I realized)
She said something along the lines of "we have to drink together sometime" (yeah, teens and me in my country vape, drink, everything, it's common) and I asked her if she meant us doing it together. She said yes. Well, at first I felt nothing. I ended up going out with her when we agreed, adding her, I invited her to my house without any worry or stress (guess my entire emotional muting and learning to not be vulnerable to even survive actually ended up giving me a lot of charisma and actual social skills) and we just hanged out together.
Eventually we drunk with another friend at her house, after I went back home (it was late) she confessed everything to me, she basically told me how I'm the only person in very long that made her feel good about going out and less depressed (she takes antidepressants) and I feel like that's huge for me. She's like me, has little friends, even though on the surface she socializes with a lot of people, she only goes out with one person (two now :) )
We talked a lot and just for the sake of honor I won't say what she told me but she told me a lot of her problems, trauma, etc. who she trusted and did not. I have had friendships with girls in the past, or people, but they never felt deep. Not as deep as this.
This was genuinely the most amazing experience of this year. Not because I felt amazing, I felt mostly empty but it's the first time I ever felt understood and connected to somebody. She trusted me immediately and we talk a lot.
I'm not looking for love right now. Atleast I don't expect it. I don't feel it. Maybe because it's been just four days and maybe because I don't feel almost any emotion. But this time I genuinely feel hope for the future. But if she falls in love with me I want to do everything possible to understand it and give it back. I think she's a amazing person. It's just amazing to have a real friendship in my life after so long of dealing with fake pieces of shit my whole life. But it hurts me knowing that everything I do for her, every kind act I do, there's no big feeling behind it atleast for me. I don't want to hurt her and I feel like i would feel genuine guilt if I hurt her or lied to her, unlike literally any other person.
I haven't felt real hope like this in years. If she ends up going away, for whatever reason, (which I doubt) it will hurt me yes but it will also be the realization that I can be happy. Maybe we can stay just as friends. That's perfectly fine for me. Or maybe one day we'll have a relationship.
I was actually also going to plan my suicide today but what happened and what she confessed to me changed me forever.
Maybe some of you think you're unworthy. I was cursed with a abusive mom, PTSD from being constantly mentally (and twice physically) abused as a child. Depression from being isolated for years behind a computer screen with literally nothing else to my life. I had to make my own hygiene. My mom never said "brush your teeth" when I was a kid, she just ridiculed me when I didn't do it myself despite not ever being taught basic life skills at the ripe age of nine to ten years old. Nobody to trust or even open up to for years. I learned how to cook myself, I had to accept abuse in order to get any sort of feeling of love, I made my own hygiene, learned to shower regularly and take care of myself. For 15 years straight I felt like my life was just something ready to end at any moment. But now I finally have something true for a single moment in my life.
I did not just start feeling every single emotion back again at the normal baseline, I still feel pretty much the same but I feel actual hope, connection and I no longer feel that dread of being completely alone. I don't want to die anymore and I honestly want to live my life in this moment. It may be temporary, or may be not.
No matter how horrible your life is there will almost always be a way out. And I feel disbelief in writing this because I didn't ever think I would get something like this.
I'm not saying this because I was sad and became happy, I'm saying this because I'm depressed, have trauma, been isolated for years and still managed to find a single real friendship that I actually care about and that wants me make to live. A single random conversation with a girl about an exam turned out to be the start of a friendship I really care about.
She told me she has a really bad period and her parents aren't home until noon to take care of her because they had plans and it happened really rapidly out of nowhere, and I offered to bring her ibuprofen and stay with her to make her feel better. She agreed and thanked me and now I guess I'll have a different type of morning than waking up in my room and dreading the thought of even getting up.
Thanks for listening to this probably horribly written vent. I wish you can find some comfort in this if you're suffering through similar things.