I'm tired boss
This is going to probably be messy but I just need to vent this out, somewhere, anywhere.
I can't keep living like this and I can't escape or change it. I have no one I can talk to about any of this and haven't for a long time, I feel completely alone and trapped, I'm at the end of my rope. I have severe OCD mixed with ADHD, slowly over time my OCD has completely taken over my life, to the point I can't do jack shit, I can't cook, I can barely eat, I take 4-5 hour long baths almost daily, I leave the house for an hour every week and it takes all my energy to do so. On top of that my executive function doesn't function AT ALL, my ADHD already fucked it up but what little of it was left has been consumed by my OCD, it takes me weeks to do the most basic task like sending an email, or paying someone owed money. I dread birthdays because it takes all my effort to buy someone a gift and get it wrapped and give it to them. I feel constantly overwhelmed like I'm drowning gasping for air, but I live with my parents who do a ton of stuff for me, like cook a meal a day and wash my clothes. If they didn't I would probably starve as I'm terrible at feeding myself outside of that. I'm so fucking tired, I do not get anywhere near enough sleep and my schedule is fucked beyond belief, I'm pretty sure my brain doesn't realise there are only 24 hours in a day.
I know I need therapy, that's obvious, but I'm terrified of it, I hate it. I did two bouts of counselling years ago on the NHS and it was awful and only made me worse, so now I know I need to go back but I want to go private so I at least have control over the situation, rather then the pot luck be grateful you got anything way of the NHS. Problem is I fucking hate looking, I've only managed once for 5 minuets and it was awful, I've been procrastinating it ever since and I can't get my shit together enough to even find a therapist in the first place, I feel so insanely out of my depth looking, and tbh I don't want to look, I don't want to go, but I don't really have a choice. I'm scared they're going to want to give me meds (of course they are) and I'm terrified of meds, I don't want to spend the rest of my life on drugs feeling nothing deeply anymore, and even if that doesn't happen they still freak me the fuck out the whole thing just freaks me out, and I just feel so alone in the whole process, like no one to back me up or hold my hand.
I have my parents and my brother, outside of that I have one friend who I see once a month for coffee and text in between, I can't talk to any of them. My friend is just too distant, when we meet she wants to keep the atmosphere light and I'm scared of pouring all my problems on to her without a solution, in between she takes days to reply to my messages and tbh it just feels like a horrible idea. With my family though, it's a mess, they love me and care about me and are good with physical stuff like meals and clothes, but struggle emotionally. This is largely because they're all emotionally immature as hell, trying to talk to them about anything is going to end badly, walls are more responsive. Probably the best way to sum it up is the other day me and my dad had an explosive argument (it's normally me and him) he wouldn't let me say more then 4 words without interrupting and I was already in a bad mood to begin with over what we where discussing, things escalated and I crashed the fuck out in a very visible way, I just completely lost control and punched the door like 15 times and screamed before storming off, I was just so emotionally uncapable of dealing with him anymore and this (the punching) is not usual for me, I've done this maybe once before a year or so ago. I went to my mum after and she wanted to know what I kicked, I said I punched the door, and her first response, her no.1 thought was "is the door okay?". I spoke with her today and she basically told me that it's been a lot on her and my dad, me being like this for so long, in essence she said I was a burden and needed to fix myself, at which point we're back at point A of the therapy problem. And I feel stuck in between being grateful for my parents for looking after me but also needing to get the fuck out of this house, I want to be around people who respect me, who listen when I talk, who ask if I'm okay but I can't, I can't leave, I'm stuck here, but at the same time feeling like shit if I'm not grateful enough for the work they do for me.
I keep getting intrusive suicidal thoughts, the second anything happens my brain jumps to being like "death? death is an option?" but I can't kill myself. I have a super intense fear of death, like went almost catatonic for a summer when I realised I was going to die someday intense, and take on the philosophy of you only live once and die forever so might as well see it out. But I just feel even more stuck, like I'm just forced to keep doing the same shit everyday over and over with no let up, I'm so tired, but I don't want to die. I also do this thing where if I'm confronted with someone who has it worse, like maybe they're suicidal or have more trauma, and I'll gaslight myself into believing I'm being whiny dramatic and that I'm actually fine because I don't want to actually die yet. I'm not sure how much I want to live either, the other side of all this is I go to therapy, it takes years and an insane amount of work but I get better, then what. I get to work a 9-5 I fucking hate slave away my time to a corporations which wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire just so I can survive. I've always wanted to do something creative, I have a degree in illustration, I want to make art, I want to have free time to play video games, to be able to relax and live, but if I work full time and live alone even in the optional sinario my brain is too fucked to be able to handle even those things. So what then, I have to wait till I'm 70 to finally live, fuck that. Fuck it all. And then there's relationships, I'm asexual probably aromatic too and I hate that I'll always be alone, I want so desperately for someone to love me and be close to me but I don't think anyone ever will, that is if I could even make and keep friends in the first place. Even if I'm better I don't see a life for myself, it's all shit all the way down, I'll always be alone and I'll always be exhausted. I feel incompatible with living and the modern world. And I'm just trapped, so fucking trapped. I don't know who the fuck I am anymore, I just want to hurt myself all the time, to break something or tear something, I keep getting flashes in my head of ways I could injure myself. Alcohol and my hyper fixations are the only things that help, but even then they are just a toxic for obvious reasons. I just don't know how much more I can take of this shit.